Lost In Seattle

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle Tacoma International airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Keeping up with the times

I was visiting my son the other night, when I asked him if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century”, he said, “I don’t waste money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

A plot twist

“Your generation is too reliant on technology”, said my grandpa.

“No, YOUR generation is too reliant on technology”, I retorted as I pulled the plug from his life support to prove my point.

You have three wishes

A man picks up an old lamp that is half buried in the sand. Upon rubbing it, out pops a genie. “You have three wishes”, says the genie.

“Hmm..”, the man begins, “I wish ‘three’ means 1000”

“Your wish is granted”, the genie announces. “You now have two wishes”

“I wish ‘two’ means 1000”, the man says and immediately regrets it

Precious Words

When a fire destroys the barn and the adjacent farmland, two brothers are left to pick up the pieces. The only things that survived were half a dozen cows that ran out during the fire.

The only option is to find a bull stud and build up a dairy farm. While they are searching around, they come across an advertisement. The smarter brother decides to take the train to see the animal and if all goes well, telegram back to the ‘brawny-but-not-brainy’ one to drive the truck to pick up the bull.

Everything is as advertised, but the seller drives a hard bargain. The older brother is left with just one dollar. He goes to the post office to send the telegram as agreed. The attendant at the post office informs him that the rate is a dollar per word for the telegram. He tries to explain his situation, but the attendant is firm.

After much thinking, he sends one word – COMFORTABLE.

The attendant is puzzled. “How will your brother know?”, he asks. Prompt comes the reply, “He isn’t exactly the smartest chap. He reads very slowly – COME-FOR-THE-BULL”

Kleptomaniacs

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally

Applying the vaseline

Ken couldn’t believe his luck when he saw an ad for his dream motorcycle at an amazing price. Sure enough, there was a catch, the hot rod had a defect that would damage the engine if exposed to rain. The current owner assured Ken, “Nothing to worry. Keep a jar of vaseline with you at all times. If it looks like it is going to rain, apply a blob here,” pointing at the engine, “and everything would be fine” Ken is sold. He goes ahead with the purchase.

Many memorable rides later, Ken’s girlfriend invites him to meet her parents over dinner. Ken reaches her home on time and as they step into the kitchen for dinner, he is shocked to see dirty dishes all over the place. Dishes in the sink, on the counter, even peeking out from cupboards. Seeing his expression, his girlfriend tells him “Errm, we have a rule in the house, whoever speaks while eating has to do the dishes. No one wants to do the dishes, so we are absolutely quiet when eating and the dishes have just accumulated.” Her father adds his warning, “This is extended to guests as well. If you don’t want to end up with the dishes, I suggest that not a single sound comes out from you”

The dinner goes ahead in complete silence. With a devilish twinkle in his eye, Ken decides to make love to his girlfriend right there. Everyone around the table is shocked, but not a word is uttered. Ken gets back to his seat and to his meal. Soon, he thinks he can take this further. He goes over to the mother and has his way with her. The dad is fuming, but doesn’t say anything.

It is time for dessert, and Ken can hear thunder rumbling in the distance. Worried about his bike, he takes out the jar of vaseline and gets up. The dad immediately puts his hands up in the air and exclaims, “Enough! I will do the dishes. Put that vaseline away for goodness sake!”

Fearing the negative

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A tight squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that it offered a $1,000 bet no one could squeeze a single drop more from a lemon the bartender had already squeezed. Men from almost every walk of life had tried and failed.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit walked into the bar. “I’d like to try the bet”, he said. After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the juice. Then he handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.

The crowd’s laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon. Six drops fell into the glass! The patrons erupted into cheers.

As the bartender handed over the $1,000, he asked what the little man did for a living. “I work for the IRS”, he answered.

One Blue Pill please

An old man hobbles down the aisle to meet the pharmacist. “I would like to buy some Viagra please”, he says, hands shaking and reaching the counter for support.

The pharmacist is surprised and questions, “You look like in no shape to get into the love making act. Why do you want Viagra?”

The old man replies, “No, No. It is not for the bedroom. I want to take this so that I can stop peeing on my slippers.”

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