When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
A dying confession
A man is on his deathbed and is reflecting upon his life. He decides to confess to his wife about his affair and come clean.
With great effort he calls his wife and begins, “Dear, I don’t know how long I have to live. I want to tell you the truth.” Taking in a deep breath he continues, “I haven’t been entirely faithful with you during our marriage. You know Betty, your best friend. I have had an affair with her for quite some time.”
Talking becomes more difficult and he manages, “I am sorry and I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me.”
The wife places her hand over the husband and gently calms him, “Now, Now. Don’t strain yourself. I know about the affair. That is the reason why I poisoned you.”
Typing in winter
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
(Credit – Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington)
Before giving someone a piece of your mind, make sure you have enough to spare
Let there be light
An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”
“Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”
Blond Robbers
In a failing economy, two blondes decide to rob and make money. In the middle of the break-in, they hear police sirens and it is definitely getting louder. One blond says to the other “It is too dangerous to go out of the front door, let’s jump out of the window” The other replies, “But we are on the 13th floor.”
The first looks at the other, “We could get arrested and all you can think now is about superstition”
You have 24 hours to live
A Doctor phones a patient and tells him, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live.”
The patient is livid, “I have twenty four hours to live and that is the good news? What in the world could be worse?”
To which the doc responds, “Well, the bad news is that, I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
Fashionable whilst under attack
A biographer is following a great naval commander to write his story. Out on the ocean, as the admiral speaks about his travels in this dangerous stretch of waters, the lookout shouts, “Pirates to port! Two ships with cannons approaching”
The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my red shirt.”. The biographer is surprised and asks about the dress change. The admiral replies, “Moral needs to be high in a battle. I wear my red shirt during battle for situations when I might be shot and I don’t want my men to know that I have been hit”
The biographer is impressed and true to the admiral’s words, his men fight hard and with vigor.
The next day whilst on the deck, a voice is heard from the crow’s nest, “Pirates ahoy! Ten armed ships speeding towards us”
The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my brown pants”
Twitter addiction
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
(by Christine Schrum)