Chess playing pigeons

Arguing with some people is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon would knock over the pieces, crap all over the board and strut around like a victor.

Inspired by Scott D. Weitzenhoffer

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican Magician told his audience that he would disappear at the count of three

He began counting, “Uno, Dos..”

And he disappeared without a tres

Medically Fit

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?”

“What letters?” I answered slyly. “Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”

Let there be light

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”

“Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”

Blond Robbers

In a failing economy, two blondes decide to rob and make money. In the middle of the break-in, they hear police sirens and it is definitely getting louder. One blond says to the other “It is too dangerous to go out of the front door, let’s jump out of the window” The other replies, “But we are on the 13th floor.”

The first looks at the other, “We could get arrested and all you can think now is about superstition”

Advertising

I was offered s*x today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

Painless delivery

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine and asked if they’d like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman’s pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep .

Digging themselves deeper

While walking down the street, I saw two men hard at work. One was digging a hole roughly a foot and a half deep and it was quickly followed by the second person filling up the hole. As they toiled away, I was curious and approached them to ask what they were doing. The first replied, “You see, we are given the task of planting trees by the side of the road. Three of us usually work this job. I, dig a hole. Raju, plants the tree and finally, Mark here fills the hole up.”

He then continued, “Today Raju is out sick and Mark and I are just doing our job.”

Daylight Savings

When told the reason for daylight savings time, the Old Indian said, “Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the the top of the blanket, sew it at the bottom, and have a longer blanket”

A man walks into a clinic

A man walks into a clinic. The receptionist asks him the purpose of his visit. He replies, “I have a problem with my p*nis”. Visibly shocked, she responds in a stern voice, “Sir! This is a public place. There are kids here. Please be discreet and refer to it by another body part name. Can you try answering me once again?”

The man begins, “I have a problem with my ear”. The receptionist is happier now and asks, “What seems to be the problem sir?”

To which he responds, “I can’t pee out of it”

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