Lines in Heaven

An unfortunate accident at the sports stadium left a huge crowd of people in front of the Pearly Gates. To process them quicker, St. Peter ordered all the men to stand in two separate lines. “To handle the high volume of folks, I want the men divided into two lines. To my right, I want all men who listen to their wives and to my left the men who don’t listen to their wives.”

There is a scramble to form lines and after some time the men are divided. The line on St. Peter’s right winds over the clouds like a snake, while the other line just has one man. There are murmurs from the crowd and St. Peter asks the lone man, “You seem to be the only example in this category. I wonder what your wife would think if she saw you here.”

The man replies, “Category? What do you mean? I am standing here because my wife told me to.”

Math Problems

Teacher: If you have 4 books and I give you 3 more, how many books would you have?

Student: 7 books

Teacher: Good. Now, if you have 2947 books and I gave you 1836 books, what would you have?

Student: A library

Old Couple Memory

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

Explaining it to the kid

My 8 year daughter: “Dad, what is the meaning of gays?”

Me: “You know how Mum and Dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way”

She: “So, what’s ‘penetrating gays'”?

Me: “Er.. Can you read me the whole sentence?”

She: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”

Me: “Oh!”

– @ItsAndyRyan (Twitter)

A cop pulls me over

A cop pulled me over and said, “Papers”

I said, “Scissors.” and drove off. After all, I had won.


After a night of partying with my buddies, we drive our way back home. Sure enough, a cop pulls us over. At the driver’s window he looks at us and says, “How high are you?”

My friend, who was driving, responds, “No officer, it is ‘Hi!, How are you?'”


After I pulled over to the kerb, the officer walks up to my window and says, “Any drugs, alcohol?”

I tell him, “No thanks officer, I’ve got everything.


While speeding down the highway, a cop drives up to me and says, “Pullover”

“No, it is a cardigan,” I reply, “but thanks for noticing.”

Down but not out

A group of women are playing golf and are just behind another group that is teeing off the next hole. One lady in the group hits the ball the wrong way and it goes flying in the direction of the group ahead. Before she could yell, “Fore!” the ball flew and hit a man. He doubled over and crouched into a fetal position in great pain. The lady rushed over and said, “I am very sorry. Let me help. I am a nurse.” She proceeded to remove his hands from between his thighs and began slowly massaging his groin area. After a few minutes, she asked, “How are you feeling now?”.

The man replied, “It is hard to say, part of me feels really glad but my thumb still hurts like hell”

Sign of the times

A century ago, rich people drove cars and the common folk rode horses.

Now, commoners drive cars and the rich ride horses.

Oh! how the stables have turned

Fraction of a second

A fraction of a second is defined as the time between the signal turning green and the honk from the car behind.

ChuckleCraft

Getting used to acronyms

Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

My own boss

I took a taxi home today and the driver said “I am really happy with my job. I work my own hours. I am my own boss. No one tells me what to do”

Then I said, “Turn Left”

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