I bought my husband a “Get Better Soon” card. No, he is not sick, I just think he can be better.
Statue in the bedroom
Hearing the car pull up in the driveway unexpectedly, the husband turns to his lover and says, “Gosh! My wife is home early. There is no way to leave this room without her noticing. I guess I am done for.”
Frantically, he looks for a place to hide his mistress and suddenly hits upon an idea. Opening his wife’s makeup draw, he proceeds to apply copious amounts of powder on the lady. “I bet I could pass you off as a statue. Once things are clear, you can escape.”
Just as he is finishing, his wife walks in. “Ah! This looks new”, she questions, looking inquisitively at her now perspiring husband. “This.. This is nothing. I thought we could ‘classy-up’ the bedroom by placing a nice Greek statue in it. I got it from the art gallery in downtown.”
“Hmm.. It looks good”, she remarks and proceeds to freshen up, while the husband lets out a sigh of relief. Later in the night, the wife gets up, goes to the kitchen and takes a bottle of water, a sandwich and comes back to the bedroom. “Psst!”, she whispers to the statue, “Have something to eat and drink. I am sure you need it. Last week I was stuck as a statue and it was three days before I could escape and no one offered me even a glass of water.”
Husbands shopping
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
One common brain
(During an argument) Wife: “It is as though all you men have just one brain”
Husband: (Just looks on)
Wife: “Don’t just sit there staring at me. Aren’t you going to say something?”
Husband: “Hold on. It is not my turn with the brain yet”
Discussing War at the Bar
At a bar in downtown Washington, the Pakistani PM enters and sees the US President and the Indian Prime Minister sitting at a table. They seem to be discussing seriously, even drawing on the napkins. Curious, the Pakistani PM approaches the table and pulls up a chair. “Hello! What are you guys discussing?”, he begins. The other two leaders look at each other and seem unsure. The Indian PM breaks the silence, “Well, we were discussing the bombing of three major Pakistani cities and also killing one bicycle repairman”.
A puzzled Pakistani PM asks, “What? A bicycle repairman, Why?”. The Indian PM turns to the US President and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the bombing”
<Template Joke: You can replace the characters and retell it to others to suit your audience. No offense is meant to the current characters used>
Life is too short to remove USB safely.
50-year Anniversary
An old couple drive through town and stop by the diner where they first met. As they delve into nostalgia, the topic moves to the first time they made love and it happens to be by the fence behind this very same diner. “How about going back there for old times sake?” asks the old man, with mischief in his eyes. To his surprise, the wife says, “Let’s go for it!” and they proceed to walk out through the backdoor.
All this while a guy hears the whole conversation from the adjacent booth. “It would be interesting to see how the oldies get it on”, he thinks with a chuckle and also walks to the back of the diner.
From behind the garbage cans, he sees the old couple undressing clumsily. The busybody’s grin slowly turns into amazement as he sees the two having the most amazing s*x he has seen in his entire life. 30 minutes later, after they are fully clothed, he approaches them with an apology and asks, “I don’t want to interrupt, but I was at the adjacent booth from the diner and I am amazed to see you both in action; even after 50 years of marriage.”
The old man replies, “Son! You want to know the secret? Fifty years ago, that fence wasn’t f**king electrified”
Taking it literally
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine’s Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”
With certainty in his voice, the man said, “You’ll know tonight.”
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled – “The meaning of Dreams”.
Late for work
Late for work, John was getting berated by his boss.
“What’s your excuse for being an hour late?”, the boss questioned.
John began, “I started off on time, but the roads were so slippery, that for every step I took, I slid two steps back.”
His boss wasn’t convinced, “Really? Then how did you manage to get in to work?”
“I finally gave up and decided to turn back and walk home”, came the prompt reply.
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”