Blond Robbers

In a failing economy, two blondes decide to rob and make money. In the middle of the break-in, they hear police sirens and it is definitely getting louder. One blond says to the other “It is too dangerous to go out of the front door, let’s jump out of the window” The other replies, “But we are on the 13th floor.”

The first looks at the other, “We could get arrested and all you can think now is about superstition”

A cop pulls me over

A cop pulled me over and said, “Papers”

I said, “Scissors.” and drove off. After all, I had won.


After a night of partying with my buddies, we drive our way back home. Sure enough, a cop pulls us over. At the driver’s window he looks at us and says, “How high are you?”

My friend, who was driving, responds, “No officer, it is ‘Hi!, How are you?'”


After I pulled over to the kerb, the officer walks up to my window and says, “Any drugs, alcohol?”

I tell him, “No thanks officer, I’ve got everything.


While speeding down the highway, a cop drives up to me and says, “Pullover”

“No, it is a cardigan,” I reply, “but thanks for noticing.”

Keeping up with the times

I was visiting my son the other night, when I asked him if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century”, he said, “I don’t waste money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

What do you take for that?

Sitting beside me on a long haul flight was a lady who seemed to be suffering from allergies. She would often sneeze and after sneezing, her body would shiver uncontrollably. I was a little concerned for her and inquired, “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”

Sniffling and with a tissue near her nose, she replied, “Thanks, but I am okay. I have this rare condition that everytime I sneeze, I get an orgasm”

“That’s difficult. I am sorry to hear that. Are you taking something to manage it?”, I ask helpfully.

She says, “Yes, Pepper”

Medically Fit

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?”

“What letters?” I answered slyly. “Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”

Piece of Mind

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, make sure you have enough to spare

Confucious

A Programmer goes shopping

The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Can you hear alright?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9}.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I havn’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Touring Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Food After-effects

A doctor tells a group of patients, “The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” An old man raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake.”

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