Company Health Advisory

Posted on the office bulletin board:

Effective immediately, the company gym will be shutdown. Employees are already skipping work, dodging responsibility, pushing their luck and jumping to conclusions.

Painless delivery

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine and asked if they’d like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman’s pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep .

Caught on Camera

I was driving in the US when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed.

Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time while I drove by it at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Learning Dad

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

Lines in Heaven

An unfortunate accident at the sports stadium left a huge crowd of people in front of the Pearly Gates. To process them quicker, St. Peter ordered all the men to stand in two separate lines. “To handle the high volume of folks, I want the men divided into two lines. To my right, I want all men who listen to their wives and to my left the men who don’t listen to their wives.”

There is a scramble to form lines and after some time the men are divided. The line on St. Peter’s right winds over the clouds like a snake, while the other line just has one man. There are murmurs from the crowd and St. Peter asks the lone man, “You seem to be the only example in this category. I wonder what your wife would think if she saw you here.”

The man replies, “Category? What do you mean? I am standing here because my wife told me to.”

At the doctor’s clinic

(Overheard at the doctor’s clinic)

“Mr. Johnson, we need you to be unconscious for this procedure. Would you like a general anaesthetic or would you prefer to see your medical bill?”

Finding the right parrot

A man walks into a pet shop and starts looking at parrots to buy. He notices one and enquires its price. The shopkeeper tells him, “This parrot costs 2000 dollars. It will answer phone calls for you”

Moving on, he stops at another cage. The shopkeeper tells him, “This will cost you $5000. It will answer your phones as well as take dictation and organize your calendar.”

Looking at the last cage, the man asks, “How much for this one?”. The reply is that it costs 10,000 dollars. Stunned at the high price, he asks, “What does this parrot do?”

“Well, all I see him do all day is sit around”, came the reply, “But the other two call him ‘Boss’“

An Awkward Conversation

I was using the office restroom and I had just sat myself on the WC. Unexpectedly, I heard a cheery, “Hi!” from the next stall. I was a bit startled, but recovered enough to return the greeting.

“How are you?”, the voice continued. “Doing Fine, I guess.”, was all I could manage. “Big plans for the weekend, heh?” came the next question. “Well, I was thinking of going to the movies”, I ventured, when I was interrupted. “Hang on a minute. I am going to put you on hold. The guy in the next stall thinks I am talking to him.”

Three men at the Pearly Gates

Three men are standing outside the Pearly Gates and are being questioned before entry. St. Peter says, “We have a bit of a space crunch, so only those who have died a horrific death will be allowed in.” Looking at the first man, he continues, “Why don’t you start?”

“I long had a suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. Today, I decided to do something about it. I reached home a few hours early and my wife opened the door only after I rang the bell many times.”, began the first, “I rushed in and searched room after room, there was no one except my wife. When I reached the balcony, I saw a hand gripping the edge and I knew I had my man. I pounded the guy’s fingers and finally he let go. I looked over and saw that he had fallen on some bushes and wasn’t hurt badly. This enraged me further. I dragged the refrigerator and heaving it over, dropped it on him. The whole thing stressed me out and I had an heart attack. So here I am.”

St. Peter consoled the man and asked the second to tell his story. “It was a pleasant evening and I decided to stretch myself in my balcony before going for a jog”, said the second man, who looked badly bruised. “I slipped and fell over. I thought all was lost, but thankfully I was able to grab hold of the balcony edge a couple of floors below. I had not taken a breath of relief, when some crazy guy started pounding at my fingers. I tried my best to hold on, but after a while I had to let go. I thought it was the end, but I landed on some greenery and ended up with only a few scratches. I counted my lucky stars for the second time that day. However it was short lived. The last thing I remember was a huge fridge crashing on to me.”

“It is a pity”, said St. Peter shaking his head. Finally turning to the third man he asked him how he got here. He began, “Imagine hiding in a cramped freezing refrigerator…”