Award Winning Farmer

A man is driving down a road to a village and he sees a farmer standing in the middle of his field looking up. He stops and asks him, “Hey! What are you doing?”

The farmer looks around and says, “I am waiting for my Nobel Prize.”

Confused, the man questions him, “What? Why would you get a Nobel Prize”

“I saw on the TV yesterday that they give the Nobel prize to those who are outstanding in their field.”, comes the reply.

Advertising

I was offered s*x today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

A Programmer goes shopping

The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Secrets

Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they really aren’t listening anyway.

At the bar every night

A husband and wife go to a bar and he orders Jack Daniels shots for the both of them. He gulps his down in one go and looks at his wife. She picks her glass up and drinks it and immediately starts coughing. “That was terrible”, she says. He looks at her and remarks, “And you think I am out here every night enjoying myself at the bar”

Math Problems

Teacher: If you have 4 books and I give you 3 more, how many books would you have?

Student: 7 books

Teacher: Good. Now, if you have 2947 books and I gave you 1836 books, what would you have?

Student: A library

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

Entrance into Heaven

A priest and a New York Cab driver die and go to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter judges them and asks the driver to go to the super-luxurious, everything-covered section of Heaven. The priest is directed to the suburbs. Shocked, the priest questions St. Peter, “I have been a devout follower. I address masses and remind them of God and praise His glory. Yet, I am sent to the suburbs and he,”pointing at the driver,“goes to the better part of heaven?”

St. Peter looks at the priest and says, “When he drove, people prayed to God more reverently than when you gave your lectures”

3 Old Men

Three men are sitting in a retirement home and discussing their problems. The first says, “I have so much trouble peeing. I really have to struggle to do this simple thing.”

The second says, “I am so constipated. I can hardly get anything out after sitting on the can for an hour.”

The third begins, “Well, I pee like a horse every morning at 6. Then at 7, I crap my insides out.”

The other two look at him and exclaim, “What are you complaining about then?”

The third replies, “I don’t get up until 8”

Time to spare

Today, I combined all my old wrist watches to make a belt. I don’t recommend it though, it is a complete waist of time.

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