At the office

The wife decided to surprise her husband and reached his office unannounced. She walks into his cabin to find his secretary on his lap.

Without missing a beat, the husband says, “Budget cuts or no, I cannot continue to function with just a single chair in my office.”

You have 24 hours to live

A Doctor phones a patient and tells him, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live.”

The patient is livid, “I have twenty four hours to live and that is the good news? What in the world could be worse?”

To which the doc responds, “Well, the bad news is that, I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Age is just a number

We should rename all references to “Age” as “Levels”. That way when you are 80, Level 80 sounds more badass than being an old person

At the liquor store

People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store

should be called Spirit Guides

50-year Anniversary

An old couple drive through town and stop by the diner where they first met. As they delve into nostalgia, the topic moves to the first time they made love and it happens to be by the fence behind this very same diner. “How about going back there for old times sake?” asks the old man, with mischief in his eyes. To his surprise, the wife says, “Let’s go for it!” and they proceed to walk out through the backdoor.

All this while a guy hears the whole conversation from the adjacent booth. “It would be interesting to see how the oldies get it on”, he thinks with a chuckle and also walks to the back of the diner.

From behind the garbage cans, he sees the old couple undressing clumsily. The busybody’s grin slowly turns into amazement as he sees the two having the most amazing s*x he has seen in his entire life. 30 minutes later, after they are fully clothed, he approaches them with an apology and asks, “I don’t want to interrupt, but I was at the adjacent booth from the diner and I am amazed to see you both in action; even after 50 years of marriage.”

The old man replies, “Son! You want to know the secret? Fifty years ago, that fence wasn’t f**king electrified”

A Programmer goes shopping

The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Saving a hundred grand

A man goes to the local club for a round of golf. He is paired with another member, who, he has never seen before. They tee off and as they progress they begin to chat and talk about work. When asked what he does for a living, the other man says, “I don’t usually advertise what I do, but since we are alone, let me tell you that I am a gun for hire.”

“Seriously?”, the first man asks, “How much do you charge?”

“A hundred thousand for each shot”, the killer says.

They continue playing and the first man is really excited and asks him a lot of questions, from how he gets his orders to what gun he uses. The assassin tells him that he always carries his sniper rifle around and proceeds to pull it out of the golf bag. Placing the scope to his eye, the first man has a look around and is quite impressed. Turning the rifle in the direction of his home, he says, “Look! I can see my house from here. I can see the bedroom on the first floor.”.

Suddenly, he gets angry and curses, “Damn that two-timing wife of mine. I can see her in the arms of my neighbor. What the hell is going on?”

“Look here”, he says turning to his golf partner, “I will give you a hundred thousand to shoot my neighbor in his crotch, he will never be able to screw around and another hundred to shoot my wife in her mouth so that she can never speak again”

The assassin takes the rifle and begins to take aim. Five minutes pass and he still hasn’t pulled the trigger. The husband is angry and bursts out, “What kind of a professional are you? For a simple shot such as this, you are taking forever.”

Taking his eye off the scope, he simply replies, “They have undressed now. If you give me a minute, I can save you a hundred grand.”

Entrance into Heaven

A priest and a New York Cab driver die and go to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter judges them and asks the driver to go to the super-luxurious, everything-covered section of Heaven. The priest is directed to the suburbs. Shocked, the priest questions St. Peter, “I have been a devout follower. I address masses and remind them of God and praise His glory. Yet, I am sent to the suburbs and he,”pointing at the driver,“goes to the better part of heaven?”

St. Peter looks at the priest and says, “When he drove, people prayed to God more reverently than when you gave your lectures”

An Awkward Conversation

I was using the office restroom and I had just sat myself on the WC. Unexpectedly, I heard a cheery, “Hi!” from the next stall. I was a bit startled, but recovered enough to return the greeting.

“How are you?”, the voice continued. “Doing Fine, I guess.”, was all I could manage. “Big plans for the weekend, heh?” came the next question. “Well, I was thinking of going to the movies”, I ventured, when I was interrupted. “Hang on a minute. I am going to put you on hold. The guy in the next stall thinks I am talking to him.”

Lines in Heaven

An unfortunate accident at the sports stadium left a huge crowd of people in front of the Pearly Gates. To process them quicker, St. Peter ordered all the men to stand in two separate lines. “To handle the high volume of folks, I want the men divided into two lines. To my right, I want all men who listen to their wives and to my left the men who don’t listen to their wives.”

There is a scramble to form lines and after some time the men are divided. The line on St. Peter’s right winds over the clouds like a snake, while the other line just has one man. There are murmurs from the crowd and St. Peter asks the lone man, “You seem to be the only example in this category. I wonder what your wife would think if she saw you here.”

The man replies, “Category? What do you mean? I am standing here because my wife told me to.”

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