A tight squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that it offered a $1,000 bet no one could squeeze a single drop more from a lemon the bartender had already squeezed. Men from almost every walk of life had tried and failed.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit walked into the bar. “I’d like to try the bet”, he said. After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the juice. Then he handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.

The crowd’s laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon. Six drops fell into the glass! The patrons erupted into cheers.

As the bartender handed over the $1,000, he asked what the little man did for a living. “I work for the IRS”, he answered.

Applying the vaseline

Ken couldn’t believe his luck when he saw an ad for his dream motorcycle at an amazing price. Sure enough, there was a catch, the hot rod had a defect that would damage the engine if exposed to rain. The current owner assured Ken, “Nothing to worry. Keep a jar of vaseline with you at all times. If it looks like it is going to rain, apply a blob here,” pointing at the engine, “and everything would be fine” Ken is sold. He goes ahead with the purchase.

Many memorable rides later, Ken’s girlfriend invites him to meet her parents over dinner. Ken reaches her home on time and as they step into the kitchen for dinner, he is shocked to see dirty dishes all over the place. Dishes in the sink, on the counter, even peeking out from cupboards. Seeing his expression, his girlfriend tells him “Errm, we have a rule in the house, whoever speaks while eating has to do the dishes. No one wants to do the dishes, so we are absolutely quiet when eating and the dishes have just accumulated.” Her father adds his warning, “This is extended to guests as well. If you don’t want to end up with the dishes, I suggest that not a single sound comes out from you”

The dinner goes ahead in complete silence. With a devilish twinkle in his eye, Ken decides to make love to his girlfriend right there. Everyone around the table is shocked, but not a word is uttered. Ken gets back to his seat and to his meal. Soon, he thinks he can take this further. He goes over to the mother and has his way with her. The dad is fuming, but doesn’t say anything.

It is time for dessert, and Ken can hear thunder rumbling in the distance. Worried about his bike, he takes out the jar of vaseline and gets up. The dad immediately puts his hands up in the air and exclaims, “Enough! I will do the dishes. Put that vaseline away for goodness sake!”

Can you diagnose me?

Patient: Doctor, I’ve had some strange symptoms lately and I’m hoping you’ll be able to diagnose them.

Doctor: For starters, your eyesight seems to be poor.

Patient: Wait—how do you know? You haven’t even examined me yet.

Doctor: You failed to see the sign outside. This is a veterinary hospital.

Chinese Medicine

In a night guided by a drunk brain, a man sleeps with a hooker. Two days later, his p*nis starts to turn black. Scared, he visits his doctor. The prognosis is clear, “It is infected. I will have to cut it off.”. The man is shocked, but he wants a second opinion. The second doctor confirms that his privates would have to go.

He decides to pursue other forms of medicine and goes to Chinese doctor. While the doctor is examining him, the man says, “I am worried, doc. They say that my p*nis will be on the chopping block”. “Ah! American doctors”, he says, “Always ready to do an operation. You don’t need it.”

The sigh of relief has hardly escaped him, when the doctor continues, “In two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”

Blond Robbers

In a failing economy, two blondes decide to rob and make money. In the middle of the break-in, they hear police sirens and it is definitely getting louder. One blond says to the other “It is too dangerous to go out of the front door, let’s jump out of the window” The other replies, “But we are on the 13th floor.”

The first looks at the other, “We could get arrested and all you can think now is about superstition”

Life

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

Anonymous

Discussing War at the Bar

At a bar in downtown Washington, the Pakistani PM enters and sees the US President and the Indian Prime Minister sitting at a table. They seem to be discussing seriously, even drawing on the napkins. Curious, the Pakistani PM approaches the table and pulls up a chair. “Hello! What are you guys discussing?”, he begins. The other two leaders look at each other and seem unsure. The Indian PM breaks the silence, “Well, we were discussing the bombing of three major Pakistani cities and also killing one bicycle repairman”.

A puzzled Pakistani PM asks, “What? A bicycle repairman, Why?”. The Indian PM turns to the US President and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the bombing”

<Template Joke: You can replace the characters and retell it to others to suit your audience. No offense is meant to the current characters used>

WiFi Password

A man walks into a bar and sits at the counter. He asks, “What’s the WiFi password?”. The bartender replies, “You must buy a drink first.”

The man says, “Okay, Can I get a Coke?”. The bartender says, “Sure. That will be 3$”

Once he gets his drink, the man asks again, “What’s the WiFi password?” The reply comes, “You must buy a drink first, no spaces, no capitals”

Learning Dad

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

A drink for my mate

Whenever Jose is at his favorite watering hole, he orders his drinks in twos. It is always “two shots of tequila” or “two pints”.

The bartender’s curiosity made him ask, “Why do you always order two drinks? If you ordered them one after the other, both drinks would be cold.”

Jose replies, “Back in my college days, my best friend Oscar and I would go out drinking. Our jobs made us move to different cities. We made a pact that whenever we wish to drink, we would drink one more for the other”

Impressed at the bond between friends, the bartender gives him his order on the house.

A few months later, Jose walks into the bar and to the bartender’s surprise, orders a single glass of whiskey. Handing over the glass, the bartender offers his condolences, “I am very sorry about your loss. I am sure Oscar will be missed.”

Jose looks puzzled before realizing what the bartender meant. “Oh! Don’t worry, Oscar is fine. It is just that I have stopped drinking.”

Back to top