Medically Fit

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?”

“What letters?” I answered slyly. “Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”

Chinese Medicine

In a night guided by a drunk brain, a man sleeps with a hooker. Two days later, his p*nis starts to turn black. Scared, he visits his doctor. The prognosis is clear, “It is infected. I will have to cut it off.”. The man is shocked, but he wants a second opinion. The second doctor confirms that his privates would have to go.

He decides to pursue other forms of medicine and goes to Chinese doctor. While the doctor is examining him, the man says, “I am worried, doc. They say that my p*nis will be on the chopping block”. “Ah! American doctors”, he says, “Always ready to do an operation. You don’t need it.”

The sigh of relief has hardly escaped him, when the doctor continues, “In two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”

Bad Jokes

A compilation of bad jokes from a “You Laugh, You Lose” competition

I can hear music coming out of my printer.

When will it stop jamming

The other day I put my car in reverse.

That story always takes me back

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great Food, no atmosphere

How would you feel if there was no coffee?

Depresso

I just bought a new blindfold.

I can’t see myself wearing it.

That ship is sick

Q: Where does a ship go when it’s sick?

A: To the dock.

Learning Dad

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

Advertising

I was offered s*x today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

Daylight Savings

When told the reason for daylight savings time, the Old Indian said, “Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the the top of the blanket, sew it at the bottom, and have a longer blanket”

What they teach in college

I was attending a job fair at a 5-star hotel. There were hundreds of students from other colleges. In the men’s restroom, there were two more graduates from other colleges who were finishing up just as I was. The first one walked over to the wash basin and proceeded to thoroughly wash his hands, apply soap and then rinse it off. He then uses a bunch of towels to dry himself. Looking at us, he remarked, “I am from Stanford, they teach us to be meticulous.”.

The second kid near the washbasin, washed his hands, quicker than the first, used just a single paper towel and with a smirk on his face said, “I am from Harvard, they teach us to be efficient”

I could see that the other two were looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I proceeded to the door and half-opening it, looked back and said, “I am from MIT, they teach us not to piss on our hands”

<Template Joke: You can replace the characters and retell it to others to suit your audience. No offense is meant to the current characters used>

Company Health Advisory

Posted on the office bulletin board:

Effective immediately, the company gym will be shutdown. Employees are already skipping work, dodging responsibility, pushing their luck and jumping to conclusions.

Fashionable whilst under attack

A biographer is following a great naval commander to write his story. Out on the ocean, as the admiral speaks about his travels in this dangerous stretch of waters, the lookout shouts, “Pirates to port! Two ships with cannons approaching”

The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my red shirt.”. The biographer is surprised and asks about the dress change. The admiral replies, “Moral needs to be high in a battle. I wear my red shirt during battle for situations when I might be shot and I don’t want my men to know that I have been hit”

The biographer is impressed and true to the admiral’s words, his men fight hard and with vigor.

The next day whilst on the deck, a voice is heard from the crow’s nest, “Pirates ahoy! Ten armed ships speeding towards us”

The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my brown pants”

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