Late for school

A mom calls out to her son “Harry! Wake up! You’ll be late for school.”

The son replies, “Mom I don’t want to go to school! The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!”

The mom says back, “You should go because you’re the principal!”

Bad Jokes

A compilation of bad jokes from a “You Laugh, You Lose” competition

I can hear music coming out of my printer.

When will it stop jamming

The other day I put my car in reverse.

That story always takes me back

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great Food, no atmosphere

How would you feel if there was no coffee?

Depresso

I just bought a new blindfold.

I can’t see myself wearing it.

The right influence

A lady goes to a pet store to buy parrots. The talking parrots that she sees in the store turn out to be too expensive. Seeing her hesitation, the shop owner approaches and tells her, “I have a pair of parrots that are much cheaper than the others you see in the shop. Would you be interested?” She agrees and the parrots seem pretty normal to her. “So why are these parrots so cheap?”, she asks. “Well! They are regular parrots, except that they were in a brothel throughout their life. They don’t have the best language.”

“They can’t be so bad”, she thinks and purchases the two parrots. When her husband comes home later in the evening, he is greeted by the parrots, “Hey! We are escorts. Do you want to have some fun?”. Much to the lady’s embarrassment and to the laughter of her husband, this continues everyday. Finally, she can’t take it anymore. She goes to the local church and explains her problem to the pastor. He says, “That’s no problem. I have two parrots who have listened to the Bible all their lives and can recite hymns. They will be a good influence on your pets. Bring them over tomorrow”

Sure enough, the lady is at the pastor’s house the next day with the parrots in a cage. The pastor takes the pets inside and places them next to his two parrots. The lady’s parrots start, “Hey! We are escorts. Do you want to have some fun?” The priest’s parrot turns to his mate and says, “Put away those beads. Our prayers have been answered.”

Explaining it to the kid

My 8 year daughter: “Dad, what is the meaning of gays?”

Me: “You know how Mum and Dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way”

She: “So, what’s ‘penetrating gays'”?

Me: “Er.. Can you read me the whole sentence?”

She: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”

Me: “Oh!”

– @ItsAndyRyan (Twitter)

Fraction of a second

A fraction of a second is defined as the time between the signal turning green and the honk from the car behind.

ChuckleCraft

At the liquor store

People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store

should be called Spirit Guides

Math Problems

Teacher: If you have 4 books and I give you 3 more, how many books would you have?

Student: 7 books

Teacher: Good. Now, if you have 2947 books and I gave you 1836 books, what would you have?

Student: A library

Can you diagnose me?

Patient: Doctor, I’ve had some strange symptoms lately and I’m hoping you’ll be able to diagnose them.

Doctor: For starters, your eyesight seems to be poor.

Patient: Wait—how do you know? You haven’t even examined me yet.

Doctor: You failed to see the sign outside. This is a veterinary hospital.

Food After-effects

A doctor tells a group of patients, “The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” An old man raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake.”

Twitter addiction

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

(by Christine Schrum)

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