Painless delivery

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine and asked if they’d like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman’s pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9} to begin with, telling the man that 10{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9} was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9} with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9}.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep .

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The Dead Dog

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed “sleeping”. She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, “Your dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.

The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, “Your dog is dead”.

She said “No, it can’t be true. Please check again.”

The doctor brings out a dog and places it beside the dead dog. After a couple of sniffs and a walk around, the dog gets down the table. The doctor says “I am afraid, your dog is dead”.

The lady is dejected, but she finally asks him, “How much do I owe you?”

The doctor said “$300”

She said, “What!?!? How could it cost that much??”

He said “$20 for me to say he was dead. The cat scan costs $150 and the lab results are an additional $130”

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Late for school

A mom calls out to her son “Harry! Wake up! You’ll be late for school.”

The son replies, “Mom I don’t want to go to school! The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!”

The mom says back, “You should go because you’re the principal!”

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Proud of my son

4 mates get together after a long time, after catching up on their life events one of the mate goes to the loo. Mean while the discussion between the rest continues & leads to their sons.

1st Mate states that his son is doing really good in stock market that he bought one of his friend a new Mercedes.

2nd Mate says his son is doing well too & has earned a handsome amount of money that he bought one of his friend a private jet.

3rd Mate says his son is doing exceptionally well that he bought is friend a villa in upstate New York.

That’s when the 4th mate comes back from the restroom & asks what are they discussing about & the mates tell him about their sons, where he says, “Oh! well, my son is gay”.

Other mates are in shock & try to console him but he says, “I am not worried, I am proud of My son as he too is doing pretty well, he has friends who are in so much love with him that they recently got him a new Mercedes, a private Jet & a new villa in upstate New York”.

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Chess playing pigeons

Arguing with some people is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon would knock over the pieces, crap all over the board and strut around like a victor.

Inspired by Scott D. Weitzenhoffer

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3 Old Men

Three men are sitting in a retirement home and discussing their problems. The first says, “I have so much trouble peeing. I really have to struggle to do this simple thing.”

The second says, “I am so constipated. I can hardly get anything out after sitting on the can for an hour.”

The third begins, “Well, I pee like a horse every morning at 6. Then at 7, I crap my insides out.”

The other two look at him and exclaim, “What are you complaining about then?”

The third replies, “I don’t get up until 8”

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The right influence

A lady goes to a pet store to buy parrots. The talking parrots that she sees in the store turn out to be too expensive. Seeing her hesitation, the shop owner approaches and tells her, “I have a pair of parrots that are much cheaper than the others you see in the shop. Would you be interested?” She agrees and the parrots seem pretty normal to her. “So why are these parrots so cheap?”, she asks. “Well! They are regular parrots, except that they were in a brothel throughout their life. They don’t have the best language.”

“They can’t be so bad”, she thinks and purchases the two parrots. When her husband comes home later in the evening, he is greeted by the parrots, “Hey! We are escorts. Do you want to have some fun?”. Much to the lady’s embarrassment and to the laughter of her husband, this continues everyday. Finally, she can’t take it anymore. She goes to the local church and explains her problem to the pastor. He says, “That’s no problem. I have two parrots who have listened to the Bible all their lives and can recite hymns. They will be a good influence on your pets. Bring them over tomorrow”

Sure enough, the lady is at the pastor’s house the next day with the parrots in a cage. The pastor takes the pets inside and places them next to his two parrots. The lady’s parrots start, “Hey! We are escorts. Do you want to have some fun?” The priest’s parrot turns to his mate and says, “Put away those beads. Our prayers have been answered.”

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At the liquor store

People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store

should be called Spirit Guides

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Losing Weight

After deciding to lose weight, a man sees a local newspaper ad that promises to lose 5 pounds in one session. Interested, he goes to the address mentioned, pays for a single session and he is asked to go inside. He is greeted by a gorgeous woman who tells him that if he can catch her, he can have her. Spurred into action, he begins chasing her. A good one hour later, fully exhausted he catches up. She asks him to step on a scale and true enough, his weight is reduced by 5lbs.

A week later, he decides to visit this gym again, this time opting for the 10lbs session. The lady inside is a knockout and tells him the same thing, if he catches her, he can have her. They jump across buildings, race over bridges, it takes him a full 3 hours to catch up. He steps on the scale and he has lost 10 pounds.

Soon enough, he wants to go back. Only this time, he chooses the 20 pound reduction session. In anticipation, he enters to be greeted by a huge hairy guy. With a smirk, the guy remarks, “If I catch you, I will have you”

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What are neighbors for?

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.”

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!” The judge turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

“You tightwad!” blurts the spectator.

“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“You cheap son of a… ” the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, “I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?”

“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?”

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