Learning Dad

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

Locked out

If ever you misplaced your keys and are locked out, talk calmly to your lock. Because communication is key.

What they teach in college

I was attending a job fair at a 5-star hotel. There were hundreds of students from other colleges. In the men’s restroom, there were two more graduates from other colleges who were finishing up just as I was. The first one walked over to the wash basin and proceeded to thoroughly wash his hands, apply soap and then rinse it off. He then uses a bunch of towels to dry himself. Looking at us, he remarked, “I am from Stanford, they teach us to be meticulous.”.

The second kid near the washbasin, washed his hands, quicker than the first, used just a single paper towel and with a smirk on his face said, “I am from Harvard, they teach us to be efficient”

I could see that the other two were looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I proceeded to the door and half-opening it, looked back and said, “I am from MIT, they teach us not to piss on our hands”

<Template Joke: You can replace the characters and retell it to others to suit your audience. No offense is meant to the current characters used>

Entrance into Heaven

A priest and a New York Cab driver die and go to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter judges them and asks the driver to go to the super-luxurious, everything-covered section of Heaven. The priest is directed to the suburbs. Shocked, the priest questions St. Peter, “I have been a devout follower. I address masses and remind them of God and praise His glory. Yet, I am sent to the suburbs and he,”pointing at the driver,“goes to the better part of heaven?”

St. Peter looks at the priest and says, “When he drove, people prayed to God more reverently than when you gave your lectures”

Finding the right parrot

A man walks into a pet shop and starts looking at parrots to buy. He notices one and enquires its price. The shopkeeper tells him, “This parrot costs 2000 dollars. It will answer phone calls for you”

Moving on, he stops at another cage. The shopkeeper tells him, “This will cost you $5000. It will answer your phones as well as take dictation and organize your calendar.”

Looking at the last cage, the man asks, “How much for this one?”. The reply is that it costs 10,000 dollars. Stunned at the high price, he asks, “What does this parrot do?”

“Well, all I see him do all day is sit around”, came the reply, “But the other two call him ‘Boss’

Proud of my son

4 mates get together after a long time, after catching up on their life events one of the mate goes to the loo. Mean while the discussion between the rest continues & leads to their sons.

1st Mate states that his son is doing really good in stock market that he bought one of his friend a new Mercedes.

2nd Mate says his son is doing well too & has earned a handsome amount of money that he bought one of his friend a private jet.

3rd Mate says his son is doing exceptionally well that he bought is friend a villa in upstate New York.

That’s when the 4th mate comes back from the restroom & asks what are they discussing about & the mates tell him about their sons, where he says, “Oh! well, my son is gay”.

Other mates are in shock & try to console him but he says, “I am not worried, I am proud of My son as he too is doing pretty well, he has friends who are in so much love with him that they recently got him a new Mercedes, a private Jet & a new villa in upstate New York”.

Explaining it to the kid

My 8 year daughter: “Dad, what is the meaning of gays?”

Me: “You know how Mum and Dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way”

She: “So, what’s ‘penetrating gays'”?

Me: “Er.. Can you read me the whole sentence?”

She: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”

Me: “Oh!”

– @ItsAndyRyan (Twitter)

Honouring his last wish

Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and comes up with a plan to take some of his wealth with him into the next life. He calls for the three men he trusts most – his lawyer, his doctor and a clergyman.

“I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die”, says Mr Smith. “At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so I can try and take it with me”.

At the funeral, each approaches the coffin and places their envelope inside.

Later, whilst riding in the car to the cemetery, the clergyman says “I have to confess, I only put £20,000 in the coffin. The church needs a new baptistery very badly so I took £10,000 out of the envelope”. The doctor says “Well I didn’t put the full £30,000 in either. I used £20,000 of the money to buy a dialysis machine for the hospital”.

The lawyer then says “I’m ashamed of you both! When I put my envelope in that coffin it held my own personal cheque for the full £30,000!”.

Touring Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

A view to die for

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

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