That ship is sick

Q: Where does a ship go when it’s sick?

A: To the dock.

Entrance into Heaven

A priest and a New York Cab driver die and go to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter judges them and asks the driver to go to the super-luxurious, everything-covered section of Heaven. The priest is directed to the suburbs. Shocked, the priest questions St. Peter, “I have been a devout follower. I address masses and remind them of God and praise His glory. Yet, I am sent to the suburbs and he,”pointing at the driver,“goes to the better part of heaven?”

St. Peter looks at the priest and says, “When he drove, people prayed to God more reverently than when you gave your lectures”

My own boss

I took a taxi home today and the driver said “I am really happy with my job. I work my own hours. I am my own boss. No one tells me what to do”

Then I said, “Turn Left”

Award Winning Farmer

A man is driving down a road to a village and he sees a farmer standing in the middle of his field looking up. He stops and asks him, “Hey! What are you doing?”

The farmer looks around and says, “I am waiting for my Nobel Prize.”

Confused, the man questions him, “What? Why would you get a Nobel Prize”

“I saw on the TV yesterday that they give the Nobel prize to those who are outstanding in their field.”, comes the reply.

Baking cookies

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

One Blue Pill please

An old man hobbles down the aisle to meet the pharmacist. “I would like to buy some Viagra please”, he says, hands shaking and reaching the counter for support.

The pharmacist is surprised and questions, “You look like in no shape to get into the love making act. Why do you want Viagra?”

The old man replies, “No, No. It is not for the bedroom. I want to take this so that I can stop peeing on my slippers.”

Digging themselves deeper

While walking down the street, I saw two men hard at work. One was digging a hole roughly a foot and a half deep and it was quickly followed by the second person filling up the hole. As they toiled away, I was curious and approached them to ask what they were doing. The first replied, “You see, we are given the task of planting trees by the side of the road. Three of us usually work this job. I, dig a hole. Raju, plants the tree and finally, Mark here fills the hole up.”

He then continued, “Today Raju is out sick and Mark and I are just doing our job.”

Testing high tech windscreens

Boeing engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

Confucious

To write with broken pencil is pointless

Confucious

Kinds of people

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand Binary and those who don’t.

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