Origami Business

I used to have a successful origami business

And then it folded.

Kinds of people

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand Binary and those who don’t.

You have 24 hours to live

A Doctor phones a patient and tells him, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live.”

The patient is livid, “I have twenty four hours to live and that is the good news? What in the world could be worse?”

To which the doc responds, “Well, the bad news is that, I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Fashionable whilst under attack

A biographer is following a great naval commander to write his story. Out on the ocean, as the admiral speaks about his travels in this dangerous stretch of waters, the lookout shouts, “Pirates to port! Two ships with cannons approaching”

The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my red shirt.”. The biographer is surprised and asks about the dress change. The admiral replies, “Moral needs to be high in a battle. I wear my red shirt during battle for situations when I might be shot and I don’t want my men to know that I have been hit”

The biographer is impressed and true to the admiral’s words, his men fight hard and with vigor.

The next day whilst on the deck, a voice is heard from the crow’s nest, “Pirates ahoy! Ten armed ships speeding towards us”

The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my brown pants”

Late for work

Late for work, John was getting berated by his boss.

“What’s your excuse for being an hour late?”, the boss questioned.

John began, “I started off on time, but the roads were so slippery, that for every step I took, I slid two steps back.”

His boss wasn’t convinced, “Really? Then how did you manage to get in to work?”

“I finally gave up and decided to turn back and walk home”, came the prompt reply.

Old Couple Memory

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

Statue in the bedroom

Hearing the car pull up in the driveway unexpectedly, the husband turns to his lover and says, “Gosh! My wife is home early. There is no way to leave this room without her noticing. I guess I am done for.”

Frantically, he looks for a place to hide his mistress and suddenly hits upon an idea. Opening his wife’s makeup draw, he proceeds to apply copious amounts of powder on the lady. “I bet I could pass you off as a statue. Once things are clear, you can escape.”

Just as he is finishing, his wife walks in. “Ah! This looks new”, she questions, looking inquisitively at her now perspiring husband. “This.. This is nothing. I thought we could ‘classy-up’ the bedroom by placing a nice Greek statue in it. I got it from the art gallery in downtown.”

“Hmm.. It looks good”, she remarks and proceeds to freshen up, while the husband lets out a sigh of relief. Later in the night, the wife gets up, goes to the kitchen and takes a bottle of water, a sandwich and comes back to the bedroom. “Psst!”, she whispers to the statue, “Have something to eat and drink. I am sure you need it. Last week I was stuck as a statue and it was three days before I could escape and no one offered me even a glass of water.”

50-year Anniversary

An old couple drive through town and stop by the diner where they first met. As they delve into nostalgia, the topic moves to the first time they made love and it happens to be by the fence behind this very same diner. “How about going back there for old times sake?” asks the old man, with mischief in his eyes. To his surprise, the wife says, “Let’s go for it!” and they proceed to walk out through the backdoor.

All this while a guy hears the whole conversation from the adjacent booth. “It would be interesting to see how the oldies get it on”, he thinks with a chuckle and also walks to the back of the diner.

From behind the garbage cans, he sees the old couple undressing clumsily. The busybody’s grin slowly turns into amazement as he sees the two having the most amazing s*x he has seen in his entire life. 30 minutes later, after they are fully clothed, he approaches them with an apology and asks, “I don’t want to interrupt, but I was at the adjacent booth from the diner and I am amazed to see you both in action; even after 50 years of marriage.”

The old man replies, “Son! You want to know the secret? Fifty years ago, that fence wasn’t f**king electrified”

At the liquor store

People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store

should be called Spirit Guides

A drink for my mate

Whenever Jose is at his favorite watering hole, he orders his drinks in twos. It is always “two shots of tequila” or “two pints”.

The bartender’s curiosity made him ask, “Why do you always order two drinks? If you ordered them one after the other, both drinks would be cold.”

Jose replies, “Back in my college days, my best friend Oscar and I would go out drinking. Our jobs made us move to different cities. We made a pact that whenever we wish to drink, we would drink one more for the other”

Impressed at the bond between friends, the bartender gives him his order on the house.

A few months later, Jose walks into the bar and to the bartender’s surprise, orders a single glass of whiskey. Handing over the glass, the bartender offers his condolences, “I am very sorry about your loss. I am sure Oscar will be missed.”

Jose looks puzzled before realizing what the bartender meant. “Oh! Don’t worry, Oscar is fine. It is just that I have stopped drinking.”

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