My own boss

I took a taxi home today and the driver said “I am really happy with my job. I work my own hours. I am my own boss. No one tells me what to do”

Then I said, “Turn Left”

What do you take for that?

Sitting beside me on a long haul flight was a lady who seemed to be suffering from allergies. She would often sneeze and after sneezing, her body would shiver uncontrollably. I was a little concerned for her and inquired, “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”

Sniffling and with a tissue near her nose, she replied, “Thanks, but I am okay. I have this rare condition that everytime I sneeze, I get an orgasm”

“That’s difficult. I am sorry to hear that. Are you taking something to manage it?”, I ask helpfully.

She says, “Yes, Pepper”

A Programmer goes shopping

The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Cows in the field

Two cows are grazing in a field and one of them asks the other, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease? It has me worried hearing about all the symptoms”

The other cow looks up from chewing and says, “Yeah! I sure am glad that I am a penguin”

Kinds of people

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand Binary and those who don’t.

Touring Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Waking up to a hangover

A man wakes up with a huge hangover and sees his kid looking over him. He says, “Mom says that if you are awake, you can come down for coffee and breakfast”

He is a bit surprised and walks downstairs. At the table, he sees a great selection, one that will bring him out of his hangover. He looks at his son and says, “I was pretty drunk last night. What happened?”. The kid replies, “You came in at 1 AM, drove over the flowers that Mom planted last month. In the living room, as you staggered in, you broke the vase”. The man turns around to see the empty place where the vase used to be. “You puked over the stairs and Mom spent an hour today morning cleaning it out”, the kid continues.

With an incredulous look, the man asks, “So how come I am getting such a good treatment now?”. The kid replies, “You finally plopped on to the bed and Mom tried to remove your pants which had gotten all dirty. All you said was ‘Leave me alone lady, I am married’

New in New York

A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

Piece of Mind

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, make sure you have enough to spare

Confucious

Proud of my son

4 mates get together after a long time, after catching up on their life events one of the mate goes to the loo. Mean while the discussion between the rest continues & leads to their sons.

1st Mate states that his son is doing really good in stock market that he bought one of his friend a new Mercedes.

2nd Mate says his son is doing well too & has earned a handsome amount of money that he bought one of his friend a private jet.

3rd Mate says his son is doing exceptionally well that he bought is friend a villa in upstate New York.

That’s when the 4th mate comes back from the restroom & asks what are they discussing about & the mates tell him about their sons, where he says, “Oh! well, my son is gay”.

Other mates are in shock & try to console him but he says, “I am not worried, I am proud of My son as he too is doing pretty well, he has friends who are in so much love with him that they recently got him a new Mercedes, a private Jet & a new villa in upstate New York”.

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