Life

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

Anonymous

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar

Ouch!

Get Better Soon

I bought my husband a “Get Better Soon” card. No, he is not sick, I just think he can be better.

Discussing War at the Bar

At a bar in downtown Washington, the Pakistani PM enters and sees the US President and the Indian Prime Minister sitting at a table. They seem to be discussing seriously, even drawing on the napkins. Curious, the Pakistani PM approaches the table and pulls up a chair. “Hello! What are you guys discussing?”, he begins. The other two leaders look at each other and seem unsure. The Indian PM breaks the silence, “Well, we were discussing the bombing of three major Pakistani cities and also killing one bicycle repairman”.

A puzzled Pakistani PM asks, “What? A bicycle repairman, Why?”. The Indian PM turns to the US President and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the bombing”

<Template Joke: You can replace the characters and retell it to others to suit your audience. No offense is meant to the current characters used>

Precious Words

When a fire destroys the barn and the adjacent farmland, two brothers are left to pick up the pieces. The only things that survived were half a dozen cows that ran out during the fire.

The only option is to find a bull stud and build up a dairy farm. While they are searching around, they come across an advertisement. The smarter brother decides to take the train to see the animal and if all goes well, telegram back to the ‘brawny-but-not-brainy’ one to drive the truck to pick up the bull.

Everything is as advertised, but the seller drives a hard bargain. The older brother is left with just one dollar. He goes to the post office to send the telegram as agreed. The attendant at the post office informs him that the rate is a dollar per word for the telegram. He tries to explain his situation, but the attendant is firm.

After much thinking, he sends one word – COMFORTABLE.

The attendant is puzzled. “How will your brother know?”, he asks. Prompt comes the reply, “He isn’t exactly the smartest chap. He reads very slowly – COME-FOR-THE-BULL”

Company Health Advisory

Posted on the office bulletin board:

Effective immediately, the company gym will be shutdown. Employees are already skipping work, dodging responsibility, pushing their luck and jumping to conclusions.

Late for work

Late for work, John was getting berated by his boss.

“What’s your excuse for being an hour late?”, the boss questioned.

John began, “I started off on time, but the roads were so slippery, that for every step I took, I slid two steps back.”

His boss wasn’t convinced, “Really? Then how did you manage to get in to work?”

“I finally gave up and decided to turn back and walk home”, came the prompt reply.

Fashionable whilst under attack

A biographer is following a great naval commander to write his story. Out on the ocean, as the admiral speaks about his travels in this dangerous stretch of waters, the lookout shouts, “Pirates to port! Two ships with cannons approaching”

The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my red shirt.”. The biographer is surprised and asks about the dress change. The admiral replies, “Moral needs to be high in a battle. I wear my red shirt during battle for situations when I might be shot and I don’t want my men to know that I have been hit”

The biographer is impressed and true to the admiral’s words, his men fight hard and with vigor.

The next day whilst on the deck, a voice is heard from the crow’s nest, “Pirates ahoy! Ten armed ships speeding towards us”

The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my brown pants”

Kleptomaniacs

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally

It Hurts everywhere

Patient: Doctor, it hurts everywhere.

Doctor: Please sit down. Can you show me where it hurts?

Patient: (pressing his index finger against his head) Here (touching his stomach) Here (poking his other arm) Here (prodding his legs) Here too!

Doctor: (has a good look at the patient) I see your problem. Your body is fine. It is your index finger that is broken

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