Can you diagnose me?

Patient: Doctor, I’ve had some strange symptoms lately and I’m hoping you’ll be able to diagnose them.

Doctor: For starters, your eyesight seems to be poor.

Patient: Wait—how do you know? You haven’t even examined me yet.

Doctor: You failed to see the sign outside. This is a veterinary hospital.

Late for work

Late for work, John was getting berated by his boss.

“What’s your excuse for being an hour late?”, the boss questioned.

John began, “I started off on time, but the roads were so slippery, that for every step I took, I slid two steps back.”

His boss wasn’t convinced, “Really? Then how did you manage to get in to work?”

“I finally gave up and decided to turn back and walk home”, came the prompt reply.

Some Assembly required

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. “It is really quite simple”, they said. “We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.”

Finding the right parrot

A man walks into a pet shop and starts looking at parrots to buy. He notices one and enquires its price. The shopkeeper tells him, “This parrot costs 2000 dollars. It will answer phone calls for you”

Moving on, he stops at another cage. The shopkeeper tells him, “This will cost you $5000. It will answer your phones as well as take dictation and organize your calendar.”

Looking at the last cage, the man asks, “How much for this one?”. The reply is that it costs 10,000 dollars. Stunned at the high price, he asks, “What does this parrot do?”

“Well, all I see him do all day is sit around”, came the reply, “But the other two call him ‘Boss’

3 Old Men

Three men are sitting in a retirement home and discussing their problems. The first says, “I have so much trouble peeing. I really have to struggle to do this simple thing.”

The second says, “I am so constipated. I can hardly get anything out after sitting on the can for an hour.”

The third begins, “Well, I pee like a horse every morning at 6. Then at 7, I crap my insides out.”

The other two look at him and exclaim, “What are you complaining about then?”

The third replies, “I don’t get up until 8”

Bill Gates at the Pearly Gates

Bill Gates is standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”

St. Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”

Dear Algebra

Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find out your X. She is not coming back, you need to accept that. Don’t ask us Y.

Blond Robbers

In a failing economy, two blondes decide to rob and make money. In the middle of the break-in, they hear police sirens and it is definitely getting louder. One blond says to the other “It is too dangerous to go out of the front door, let’s jump out of the window” The other replies, “But we are on the 13th floor.”

The first looks at the other, “We could get arrested and all you can think now is about superstition”

Can you hear alright?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9}.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I havn’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Sign of the times

A century ago, rich people drove cars and the common folk rode horses.

Now, commoners drive cars and the rich ride horses.

Oh! how the stables have turned

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