Locked out

If ever you misplaced your keys and are locked out, talk calmly to your lock. Because communication is key.

Friends – Men vs Women

The wife is late one day home and her husband calls her to find out. She says that she is with her friend. The husband decides to call her friends to confirm. All of them reply that they haven’t seen her the whole day.

The husband is late home another day and when his wife calls him he says that he is with his friend. The wife calls his friends to check on his story. Four of them vouch that her husband is with them right now.

Piece of Mind

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, make sure you have enough to spare

Confucious

Genie and a writer

A writer is walking down a beach when he sees an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and out comes a genie.

“Thank you for releasing me from my prison. I will grant you one wish. What is it that you want?”

The writer thinks for a moment and says, “I want my writings to bring out strong emotions in my readers. I want my readers to feel pain, anguish and sadness when they read what I have written.”

The Genie grants him his wish. The writer is now composing error messages for Microsoft.

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican Magician told his audience that he would disappear at the count of three

He began counting, “Uno, Dos..”

And he disappeared without a tres

Never call him that

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”.

Word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He then made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. People came to know that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone!” Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day and all night, all the next day, and the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die.

You know why? Oh, come on, take a guess! No? Everyone knows. You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone

Getting used to acronyms

Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

Down but not out

A group of women are playing golf and are just behind another group that is teeing off the next hole. One lady in the group hits the ball the wrong way and it goes flying in the direction of the group ahead. Before she could yell, “Fore!” the ball flew and hit a man. He doubled over and crouched into a fetal position in great pain. The lady rushed over and said, “I am very sorry. Let me help. I am a nurse.” She proceeded to remove his hands from between his thighs and began slowly massaging his groin area. After a few minutes, she asked, “How are you feeling now?”.

The man replied, “It is hard to say, part of me feels really glad but my thumb still hurts like hell”

A cop pulls me over

A cop pulled me over and said, “Papers”

I said, “Scissors.” and drove off. After all, I had won.


After a night of partying with my buddies, we drive our way back home. Sure enough, a cop pulls us over. At the driver’s window he looks at us and says, “How high are you?”

My friend, who was driving, responds, “No officer, it is ‘Hi!, How are you?'”


After I pulled over to the kerb, the officer walks up to my window and says, “Any drugs, alcohol?”

I tell him, “No thanks officer, I’ve got everything.


While speeding down the highway, a cop drives up to me and says, “Pullover”

“No, it is a cardigan,” I reply, “but thanks for noticing.”

A view to die for

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

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