“Age is a question of mind over matter.
If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
On the highway
There’s a senior citizen driving in the wrong direction on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!”
Herman says, “I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”
Never call him that
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”.
Word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He then made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. People came to know that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone!” Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day and all night, all the next day, and the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die.
You know why? Oh, come on, take a guess! No? Everyone knows. You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone
Phoning in the cops
Going to bed the other night, I noticed that there were people in my shed stealing things.
I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later, I rang again. ‘Hello’, I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.’
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus a helicopter and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said, ‘I thought you said you had shot them’
To which I replied, ‘I thought you said no one was available.’
To write with broken pencil is pointless
A man walks into a bar and sits at the counter. He asks, “What’s the WiFi password?”. The bartender replies, “You must buy a drink first.”
The man says, “Okay, Can I get a Coke?”. The bartender says, “Sure. That will be 3$”
Once he gets his drink, the man asks again, “What’s the WiFi password?” The reply comes, “You must buy a drink first, no spaces, no capitals”
A Programmer goes shopping
The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A man walks into a clinic
A man walks into a clinic. The receptionist asks him the purpose of his visit. He replies, “I have a problem with my p*nis”. Visibly shocked, she responds in a stern voice, “Sir! This is a public place. There are kids here. Please be discreet and refer to it by another body part name. Can you try answering me once again?”
The man begins, “I have a problem with my ear”. The receptionist is happier now and asks, “What seems to be the problem sir?”
To which he responds, “I can’t pee out of it”
What are neighbors for?
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.”
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”
“Silence in the court!” The judge turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”
“You tightwad!” blurts the spectator.
“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”
“You cheap son of a… ” the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, “I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?”
“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?”
What do you take for that?
Sitting beside me on a long haul flight was a lady who seemed to be suffering from allergies. She would often sneeze and after sneezing, her body would shiver uncontrollably. I was a little concerned for her and inquired, “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”
Sniffling and with a tissue near her nose, she replied, “Thanks, but I am okay. I have this rare condition that everytime I sneeze, I get an orgasm”
“That’s difficult. I am sorry to hear that. Are you taking something to manage it?”, I ask helpfully.
She says, “Yes, Pepper”