Old Couple Memory

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

What do you take for that?

Sitting beside me on a long haul flight was a lady who seemed to be suffering from allergies. She would often sneeze and after sneezing, her body would shiver uncontrollably. I was a little concerned for her and inquired, “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”

Sniffling and with a tissue near her nose, she replied, “Thanks, but I am okay. I have this rare condition that everytime I sneeze, I get an orgasm”

“That’s difficult. I am sorry to hear that. Are you taking something to manage it?”, I ask helpfully.

She says, “Yes, Pepper”

A drink for my mate

Whenever Jose is at his favorite watering hole, he orders his drinks in twos. It is always “two shots of tequila” or “two pints”.

The bartender’s curiosity made him ask, “Why do you always order two drinks? If you ordered them one after the other, both drinks would be cold.”

Jose replies, “Back in my college days, my best friend Oscar and I would go out drinking. Our jobs made us move to different cities. We made a pact that whenever we wish to drink, we would drink one more for the other”

Impressed at the bond between friends, the bartender gives him his order on the house.

A few months later, Jose walks into the bar and to the bartender’s surprise, orders a single glass of whiskey. Handing over the glass, the bartender offers his condolences, “I am very sorry about your loss. I am sure Oscar will be missed.”

Jose looks puzzled before realizing what the bartender meant. “Oh! Don’t worry, Oscar is fine. It is just that I have stopped drinking.”

Life

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

Anonymous

Piece of Mind

Before giving someone a piece of your mind, make sure you have enough to spare

Confucious

Fearing the negative

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Dear Algebra

Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find out your X. She is not coming back, you need to accept that. Don’t ask us Y.

Twitter addiction

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

(by Christine Schrum)

Testing high tech windscreens

Boeing engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

Choose Wisely

One fine day, I stumbled upon an old lamp and when I rubbed it, out came a genie. Once the smoke had cleared, it asked me, “I can grant you one wish. You can choose between Infinite Wisdom, Infinite Money or Infinite Beauty. What will it be?”

I was quick to answer, “I’ll take Infinite Wisdom.”. “Granted”, the genie said and with a poof, disappeared. I sighed and with my infinite wisdom, I muttered, “Damn! I should have taken the money.”

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