Losing Weight

After deciding to lose weight, a man sees a local newspaper ad that promises to lose 5 pounds in one session. Interested, he goes to the address mentioned, pays for a single session and he is asked to go inside. He is greeted by a gorgeous woman who tells him that if he can catch her, he can have her. Spurred into action, he begins chasing her. A good one hour later, fully exhausted he catches up. She asks him to step on a scale and true enough, his weight is reduced by 5lbs.

A week later, he decides to visit this gym again, this time opting for the 10lbs session. The lady inside is a knockout and tells him the same thing, if he catches her, he can have her. They jump across buildings, race over bridges, it takes him a full 3 hours to catch up. He steps on the scale and he has lost 10 pounds.

Soon enough, he wants to go back. Only this time, he chooses the 20 pound reduction session. In anticipation, he enters to be greeted by a huge hairy guy. With a smirk, the guy remarks, “If I catch you, I will have you”

What do you take for that?

Sitting beside me on a long haul flight was a lady who seemed to be suffering from allergies. She would often sneeze and after sneezing, her body would shiver uncontrollably. I was a little concerned for her and inquired, “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”

Sniffling and with a tissue near her nose, she replied, “Thanks, but I am okay. I have this rare condition that everytime I sneeze, I get an orgasm”

“That’s difficult. I am sorry to hear that. Are you taking something to manage it?”, I ask helpfully.

She says, “Yes, Pepper”

Saving a hundred grand

A man goes to the local club for a round of golf. He is paired with another member, who, he has never seen before. They tee off and as they progress they begin to chat and talk about work. When asked what he does for a living, the other man says, “I don’t usually advertise what I do, but since we are alone, let me tell you that I am a gun for hire.”

“Seriously?”, the first man asks, “How much do you charge?”

“A hundred thousand for each shot”, the killer says.

They continue playing and the first man is really excited and asks him a lot of questions, from how he gets his orders to what gun he uses. The assassin tells him that he always carries his sniper rifle around and proceeds to pull it out of the golf bag. Placing the scope to his eye, the first man has a look around and is quite impressed. Turning the rifle in the direction of his home, he says, “Look! I can see my house from here. I can see the bedroom on the first floor.”.

Suddenly, he gets angry and curses, “Damn that two-timing wife of mine. I can see her in the arms of my neighbor. What the hell is going on?”

“Look here”, he says turning to his golf partner, “I will give you a hundred thousand to shoot my neighbor in his crotch, he will never be able to screw around and another hundred to shoot my wife in her mouth so that she can never speak again”

The assassin takes the rifle and begins to take aim. Five minutes pass and he still hasn’t pulled the trigger. The husband is angry and bursts out, “What kind of a professional are you? For a simple shot such as this, you are taking forever.”

Taking his eye off the scope, he simply replies, “They have undressed now. If you give me a minute, I can save you a hundred grand.”

Statue in the bedroom

Hearing the car pull up in the driveway unexpectedly, the husband turns to his lover and says, “Gosh! My wife is home early. There is no way to leave this room without her noticing. I guess I am done for.”

Frantically, he looks for a place to hide his mistress and suddenly hits upon an idea. Opening his wife’s makeup draw, he proceeds to apply copious amounts of powder on the lady. “I bet I could pass you off as a statue. Once things are clear, you can escape.”

Just as he is finishing, his wife walks in. “Ah! This looks new”, she questions, looking inquisitively at her now perspiring husband. “This.. This is nothing. I thought we could ‘classy-up’ the bedroom by placing a nice Greek statue in it. I got it from the art gallery in downtown.”

“Hmm.. It looks good”, she remarks and proceeds to freshen up, while the husband lets out a sigh of relief. Later in the night, the wife gets up, goes to the kitchen and takes a bottle of water, a sandwich and comes back to the bedroom. “Psst!”, she whispers to the statue, “Have something to eat and drink. I am sure you need it. Last week I was stuck as a statue and it was three days before I could escape and no one offered me even a glass of water.”

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

Advertising

I was offered s*x today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

Chinese Medicine

In a night guided by a drunk brain, a man sleeps with a hooker. Two days later, his p*nis starts to turn black. Scared, he visits his doctor. The prognosis is clear, “It is infected. I will have to cut it off.”. The man is shocked, but he wants a second opinion. The second doctor confirms that his privates would have to go.

He decides to pursue other forms of medicine and goes to Chinese doctor. While the doctor is examining him, the man says, “I am worried, doc. They say that my p*nis will be on the chopping block”. “Ah! American doctors”, he says, “Always ready to do an operation. You don’t need it.”

The sigh of relief has hardly escaped him, when the doctor continues, “In two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”

50-year Anniversary

An old couple drive through town and stop by the diner where they first met. As they delve into nostalgia, the topic moves to the first time they made love and it happens to be by the fence behind this very same diner. “How about going back there for old times sake?” asks the old man, with mischief in his eyes. To his surprise, the wife says, “Let’s go for it!” and they proceed to walk out through the backdoor.

All this while a guy hears the whole conversation from the adjacent booth. “It would be interesting to see how the oldies get it on”, he thinks with a chuckle and also walks to the back of the diner.

From behind the garbage cans, he sees the old couple undressing clumsily. The busybody’s grin slowly turns into amazement as he sees the two having the most amazing s*x he has seen in his entire life. 30 minutes later, after they are fully clothed, he approaches them with an apology and asks, “I don’t want to interrupt, but I was at the adjacent booth from the diner and I am amazed to see you both in action; even after 50 years of marriage.”

The old man replies, “Son! You want to know the secret? Fifty years ago, that fence wasn’t f**king electrified”

Never call him that

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”.

Word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He then made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. People came to know that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone!” Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day and all night, all the next day, and the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die.

You know why? Oh, come on, take a guess! No? Everyone knows. You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone

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