Old Couple Memory

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

On the highway

There’s a senior citizen driving in the wrong direction on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!”
Herman says, “I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”

One Blue Pill please

An old man hobbles down the aisle to meet the pharmacist. “I would like to buy some Viagra please”, he says, hands shaking and reaching the counter for support.

The pharmacist is surprised and questions, “You look like in no shape to get into the love making act. Why do you want Viagra?”

The old man replies, “No, No. It is not for the bedroom. I want to take this so that I can stop peeing on my slippers.”

Baking cookies

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

3 Old Men

Three men are sitting in a retirement home and discussing their problems. The first says, “I have so much trouble peeing. I really have to struggle to do this simple thing.”

The second says, “I am so constipated. I can hardly get anything out after sitting on the can for an hour.”

The third begins, “Well, I pee like a horse every morning at 6. Then at 7, I crap my insides out.”

The other two look at him and exclaim, “What are you complaining about then?”

The third replies, “I don’t get up until 8”

A plot twist

“Your generation is too reliant on technology”, said my grandpa.

“No, YOUR generation is too reliant on technology”, I retorted as I pulled the plug from his life support to prove my point.

Age is just a number

We should rename all references to “Age” as “Levels”. That way when you are 80, Level 80 sounds more badass than being an old person

50-year Anniversary

An old couple drive through town and stop by the diner where they first met. As they delve into nostalgia, the topic moves to the first time they made love and it happens to be by the fence behind this very same diner. “How about going back there for old times sake?” asks the old man, with mischief in his eyes. To his surprise, the wife says, “Let’s go for it!” and they proceed to walk out through the backdoor.

All this while a guy hears the whole conversation from the adjacent booth. “It would be interesting to see how the oldies get it on”, he thinks with a chuckle and also walks to the back of the diner.

From behind the garbage cans, he sees the old couple undressing clumsily. The busybody’s grin slowly turns into amazement as he sees the two having the most amazing s*x he has seen in his entire life. 30 minutes later, after they are fully clothed, he approaches them with an apology and asks, “I don’t want to interrupt, but I was at the adjacent booth from the diner and I am amazed to see you both in action; even after 50 years of marriage.”

The old man replies, “Son! You want to know the secret? Fifty years ago, that fence wasn’t f**king electrified”

Let there be light

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”

“Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”

A view to die for

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”