What are neighbors for?

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.”

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!” The judge turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

“You tightwad!” blurts the spectator.

“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“You cheap son of a… ” the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, “I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?”

“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?”

Honouring his last wish

Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and comes up with a plan to take some of his wealth with him into the next life. He calls for the three men he trusts most – his lawyer, his doctor and a clergyman.

“I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die”, says Mr Smith. “At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so I can try and take it with me”.

At the funeral, each approaches the coffin and places their envelope inside.

Later, whilst riding in the car to the cemetery, the clergyman says “I have to confess, I only put £20,000 in the coffin. The church needs a new baptistery very badly so I took £10,000 out of the envelope”. The doctor says “Well I didn’t put the full £30,000 in either. I used £20,000 of the money to buy a dialysis machine for the hospital”.

The lawyer then says “I’m ashamed of you both! When I put my envelope in that coffin it held my own personal cheque for the full £30,000!”.

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