A man walks into a clinic

A man walks into a clinic. The receptionist asks him the purpose of his visit. He replies, “I have a problem with my p*nis”. Visibly shocked, she responds in a stern voice, “Sir! This is a public place. There are kids here. Please be discreet and refer to it by another body part name. Can you try answering me once again?”

The man begins, “I have a problem with my ear”. The receptionist is happier now and asks, “What seems to be the problem sir?”

To which he responds, “I can’t pee out of it”

Can you diagnose me?

Patient: Doctor, I’ve had some strange symptoms lately and I’m hoping you’ll be able to diagnose them.

Doctor: For starters, your eyesight seems to be poor.

Patient: Wait—how do you know? You haven’t even examined me yet.

Doctor: You failed to see the sign outside. This is a veterinary hospital.

It Hurts everywhere

Patient: Doctor, it hurts everywhere.

Doctor: Please sit down. Can you show me where it hurts?

Patient: (pressing his index finger against his head) Here (touching his stomach) Here (poking his other arm) Here (prodding his legs) Here too!

Doctor: (has a good look at the patient) I see your problem. Your body is fine. It is your index finger that is broken

You have 24 hours to live

A Doctor phones a patient and tells him, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live.”

The patient is livid, “I have twenty four hours to live and that is the good news? What in the world could be worse?”

To which the doc responds, “Well, the bad news is that, I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Cure for Hiccups

A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak to the pharmacist. “Do you have anything for hiccups?” he asked.

Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and gave the man a sharp smack on the shoulder. “Did that help?” he inquired.

“I don’t know”, the startled man replied. “I’ll have to ask my wife. She’s waiting in the car.”

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

Some Assembly required

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. “It is really quite simple”, they said. “We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.”

Food After-effects

A doctor tells a group of patients, “The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” An old man raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake.”

At the doctor’s clinic

(Overheard at the doctor’s clinic)

“Mr. Johnson, we need you to be unconscious for this procedure. Would you like a general anaesthetic or would you prefer to see your medical bill?”

Chinese Medicine

In a night guided by a drunk brain, a man sleeps with a hooker. Two days later, his p*nis starts to turn black. Scared, he visits his doctor. The prognosis is clear, “It is infected. I will have to cut it off.”. The man is shocked, but he wants a second opinion. The second doctor confirms that his privates would have to go.

He decides to pursue other forms of medicine and goes to Chinese doctor. While the doctor is examining him, the man says, “I am worried, doc. They say that my p*nis will be on the chopping block”. “Ah! American doctors”, he says, “Always ready to do an operation. You don’t need it.”

The sigh of relief has hardly escaped him, when the doctor continues, “In two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”

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