The Dead Dog

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed “sleeping”. She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, “Your dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.

The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, “Your dog is dead”.

She said “No, it can’t be true. Please check again.”

The doctor brings out a dog and places it beside the dead dog. After a couple of sniffs and a walk around, the dog gets down the table. The doctor says “I am afraid, your dog is dead”.

The lady is dejected, but she finally asks him, “How much do I owe you?”

The doctor said “$300”

She said, “What!?!? How could it cost that much??”

He said “$20 for me to say he was dead. The cat scan costs $150 and the lab results are an additional $130”

The right influence

A lady goes to a pet store to buy parrots. The talking parrots that she sees in the store turn out to be too expensive. Seeing her hesitation, the shop owner approaches and tells her, “I have a pair of parrots that are much cheaper than the others you see in the shop. Would you be interested?” She agrees and the parrots seem pretty normal to her. “So why are these parrots so cheap?”, she asks. “Well! They are regular parrots, except that they were in a brothel throughout their life. They don’t have the best language.”

“They can’t be so bad”, she thinks and purchases the two parrots. When her husband comes home later in the evening, he is greeted by the parrots, “Hey! We are escorts. Do you want to have some fun?”. Much to the lady’s embarrassment and to the laughter of her husband, this continues everyday. Finally, she can’t take it anymore. She goes to the local church and explains her problem to the pastor. He says, “That’s no problem. I have two parrots who have listened to the Bible all their lives and can recite hymns. They will be a good influence on your pets. Bring them over tomorrow”

Sure enough, the lady is at the pastor’s house the next day with the parrots in a cage. The pastor takes the pets inside and places them next to his two parrots. The lady’s parrots start, “Hey! We are escorts. Do you want to have some fun?” The priest’s parrot turns to his mate and says, “Put away those beads. Our prayers have been answered.”

Bringing the parrot to line

A man had a foul mouthed parrot as a pet. He tried his best to train it and not embarrass him in front of guests. Even attempts to control the parrot by denying crackers didn’t help. The parrot showered abuse as if it were a pirate. One evening after his date stormed out after some really offensive remarks, he was livid. In a fit of rage, he caught the bird and pushed it into the freezer.

A few minutes later, his anger subsided and he went to fetch his parrot. When the parrot came out, it started apologizing and said that it would be decent and never ever swear again. The man was surprised, “What made you change your mind?”. The parrot replied, “Well, I saw the chicken in the freezer and I knew I didn’t want to end up like that guy”

Free Drinks

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?”

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

“Sorry”, the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No”, he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

Chess playing pigeons

Arguing with some people is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the pigeon would knock over the pieces, crap all over the board and strut around like a victor.

Inspired by Scott D. Weitzenhoffer

Finding the right parrot

A man walks into a pet shop and starts looking at parrots to buy. He notices one and enquires its price. The shopkeeper tells him, “This parrot costs 2000 dollars. It will answer phone calls for you”

Moving on, he stops at another cage. The shopkeeper tells him, “This will cost you $5000. It will answer your phones as well as take dictation and organize your calendar.”

Looking at the last cage, the man asks, “How much for this one?”. The reply is that it costs 10,000 dollars. Stunned at the high price, he asks, “What does this parrot do?”

“Well, all I see him do all day is sit around”, came the reply, “But the other two call him ‘Boss’

Prodding your bull

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet”, his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

Back to top