The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Cure for Hiccups
A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak to the pharmacist. “Do you have anything for hiccups?” he asked.
Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and gave the man a sharp smack on the shoulder. “Did that help?” he inquired.
“I don’t know”, the startled man replied. “I’ll have to ask my wife. She’s waiting in the car.”
Painless delivery
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine and asked if they’d like to try it.
The machine would take some of the woman’s pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.
The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep .
Genie and a writer
A writer is walking down a beach when he sees an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and out comes a genie.
“Thank you for releasing me from my prison. I will grant you one wish. What is it that you want?”
The writer thinks for a moment and says, “I want my writings to bring out strong emotions in my readers. I want my readers to feel pain, anguish and sadness when they read what I have written.”
The Genie grants him his wish. The writer is now composing error messages for Microsoft.
Let there be light
An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”
“Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”
At the office
The wife decided to surprise her husband and reached his office unannounced. She walks into his cabin to find his secretary on his lap.
Without missing a beat, the husband says, “Budget cuts or no, I cannot continue to function with just a single chair in my office.”
A view to die for
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
Bringing the parrot to line
A man had a foul mouthed parrot as a pet. He tried his best to train it and not embarrass him in front of guests. Even attempts to control the parrot by denying crackers didn’t help. The parrot showered abuse as if it were a pirate. One evening after his date stormed out after some really offensive remarks, he was livid. In a fit of rage, he caught the bird and pushed it into the freezer.
A few minutes later, his anger subsided and he went to fetch his parrot. When the parrot came out, it started apologizing and said that it would be decent and never ever swear again. The man was surprised, “What made you change your mind?”. The parrot replied, “Well, I saw the chicken in the freezer and I knew I didn’t want to end up like that guy”