Get Better Soon

I bought my husband a “Get Better Soon” card. No, he is not sick, I just think he can be better.

Applying the vaseline

Ken couldn’t believe his luck when he saw an ad for his dream motorcycle at an amazing price. Sure enough, there was a catch, the hot rod had a defect that would damage the engine if exposed to rain. The current owner assured Ken, “Nothing to worry. Keep a jar of vaseline with you at all times. If it looks like it is going to rain, apply a blob here,” pointing at the engine, “and everything would be fine” Ken is sold. He goes ahead with the purchase.

Many memorable rides later, Ken’s girlfriend invites him to meet her parents over dinner. Ken reaches her home on time and as they step into the kitchen for dinner, he is shocked to see dirty dishes all over the place. Dishes in the sink, on the counter, even peeking out from cupboards. Seeing his expression, his girlfriend tells him “Errm, we have a rule in the house, whoever speaks while eating has to do the dishes. No one wants to do the dishes, so we are absolutely quiet when eating and the dishes have just accumulated.” Her father adds his warning, “This is extended to guests as well. If you don’t want to end up with the dishes, I suggest that not a single sound comes out from you”

The dinner goes ahead in complete silence. With a devilish twinkle in his eye, Ken decides to make love to his girlfriend right there. Everyone around the table is shocked, but not a word is uttered. Ken gets back to his seat and to his meal. Soon, he thinks he can take this further. He goes over to the mother and has his way with her. The dad is fuming, but doesn’t say anything.

It is time for dessert, and Ken can hear thunder rumbling in the distance. Worried about his bike, he takes out the jar of vaseline and gets up. The dad immediately puts his hands up in the air and exclaims, “Enough! I will do the dishes. Put that vaseline away for goodness sake!”

One common brain

(During an argument) Wife: “It is as though all you men have just one brain”

Husband: (Just looks on)

Wife: “Don’t just sit there staring at me. Aren’t you going to say something?”

Husband: “Hold on. It is not my turn with the brain yet”

Once a year

Durex was conducting a research into the bedroom behavior of men. The focus group of about 100 men were in a room and were being asked questions about their love life. One of the very first questions was about frequency of love making.

“How many of you have sex daily?”, the interviewer asked. About half of the room raised their hands.

The question “Once a week?” had about a quarter of the males responding in the affirmative. The interviewer went on increasing the frequency to a month, a quarter, every six months. The number of hands kept reducing. Finally, he asked, “How about once a year?” and promptly a hand shot up in the back.

The guy could hardly contain himself, almost jumping in his seat. Curious, the interviewer asked him, “You raised your hand for having sex once a year and you seem super excited. May I ask the reason?”

Between excited breaths, the man replied, “Tonight is the night! Tonight is the night!”

Proud of my son

4 mates get together after a long time, after catching up on their life events one of the mate goes to the loo. Mean while the discussion between the rest continues & leads to their sons.

1st Mate states that his son is doing really good in stock market that he bought one of his friend a new Mercedes.

2nd Mate says his son is doing well too & has earned a handsome amount of money that he bought one of his friend a private jet.

3rd Mate says his son is doing exceptionally well that he bought is friend a villa in upstate New York.

That’s when the 4th mate comes back from the restroom & asks what are they discussing about & the mates tell him about their sons, where he says, “Oh! well, my son is gay”.

Other mates are in shock & try to console him but he says, “I am not worried, I am proud of My son as he too is doing pretty well, he has friends who are in so much love with him that they recently got him a new Mercedes, a private Jet & a new villa in upstate New York”.

Waking up to a hangover

A man wakes up with a huge hangover and sees his kid looking over him. He says, “Mom says that if you are awake, you can come down for coffee and breakfast”

He is a bit surprised and walks downstairs. At the table, he sees a great selection, one that will bring him out of his hangover. He looks at his son and says, “I was pretty drunk last night. What happened?”. The kid replies, “You came in at 1 AM, drove over the flowers that Mom planted last month. In the living room, as you staggered in, you broke the vase”. The man turns around to see the empty place where the vase used to be. “You puked over the stairs and Mom spent an hour today morning cleaning it out”, the kid continues.

With an incredulous look, the man asks, “So how come I am getting such a good treatment now?”. The kid replies, “You finally plopped on to the bed and Mom tried to remove your pants which had gotten all dirty. All you said was ‘Leave me alone lady, I am married’

Why I fired my secretary

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t utter a word. I was not expecting much, but for everyone to ignore the date, I just couldn’t take it. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy Birthday, Boss!”. I was elated. She asked me out for lunch.

As we sat having food, she suggested, “Let’s have some wine. After all it is your birthday.”. I didn’t say no. We were ready to leave and she said, with a twinkle in her eye, “Boss! Let’s go over to my place”. We went in and she said, “Would you mind if I went into the bedroom for a minute?”. “Okay”, I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, my parents and my colleagues, all yelling “Surprise!”. And there I was on the couch.. naked.

Three men at the Pearly Gates

Three men are standing outside the Pearly Gates and are being questioned before entry. St. Peter says, “We have a bit of a space crunch, so only those who have died a horrific death will be allowed in.” Looking at the first man, he continues, “Why don’t you start?”

“I long had a suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. Today, I decided to do something about it. I reached home a few hours early and my wife opened the door only after I rang the bell many times.”, began the first, “I rushed in and searched room after room, there was no one except my wife. When I reached the balcony, I saw a hand gripping the edge and I knew I had my man. I pounded the guy’s fingers and finally he let go. I looked over and saw that he had fallen on some bushes and wasn’t hurt badly. This enraged me further. I dragged the refrigerator and heaving it over, dropped it on him. The whole thing stressed me out and I had an heart attack. So here I am.”

St. Peter consoled the man and asked the second to tell his story. “It was a pleasant evening and I decided to stretch myself in my balcony before going for a jog”, said the second man, who looked badly bruised. “I slipped and fell over. I thought all was lost, but thankfully I was able to grab hold of the balcony edge a couple of floors below. I had not taken a breath of relief, when some crazy guy started pounding at my fingers. I tried my best to hold on, but after a while I had to let go. I thought it was the end, but I landed on some greenery and ended up with only a few scratches. I counted my lucky stars for the second time that day. However it was short lived. The last thing I remember was a huge fridge crashing on to me.”

“It is a pity”, said St. Peter shaking his head. Finally turning to the third man he asked him how he got here. He began, “Imagine hiding in a cramped freezing refrigerator…”

Baking cookies

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

Late Night Mathematician

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually”, the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

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