Entrance into Heaven

A priest and a New York Cab driver die and go to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter judges them and asks the driver to go to the super-luxurious, everything-covered section of Heaven. The priest is directed to the suburbs. Shocked, the priest questions St. Peter, “I have been a devout follower. I address masses and remind them of God and praise His glory. Yet, I am sent to the suburbs and he,”pointing at the driver,“goes to the better part of heaven?”

St. Peter looks at the priest and says, “When he drove, people prayed to God more reverently than when you gave your lectures”

The right influence

A lady goes to a pet store to buy parrots. The talking parrots that she sees in the store turn out to be too expensive. Seeing her hesitation, the shop owner approaches and tells her, “I have a pair of parrots that are much cheaper than the others you see in the shop. Would you be interested?” She agrees and the parrots seem pretty normal to her. “So why are these parrots so cheap?”, she asks. “Well! They are regular parrots, except that they were in a brothel throughout their life. They don’t have the best language.”

“They can’t be so bad”, she thinks and purchases the two parrots. When her husband comes home later in the evening, he is greeted by the parrots, “Hey! We are escorts. Do you want to have some fun?”. Much to the lady’s embarrassment and to the laughter of her husband, this continues everyday. Finally, she can’t take it anymore. She goes to the local church and explains her problem to the pastor. He says, “That’s no problem. I have two parrots who have listened to the Bible all their lives and can recite hymns. They will be a good influence on your pets. Bring them over tomorrow”

Sure enough, the lady is at the pastor’s house the next day with the parrots in a cage. The pastor takes the pets inside and places them next to his two parrots. The lady’s parrots start, “Hey! We are escorts. Do you want to have some fun?” The priest’s parrot turns to his mate and says, “Put away those beads. Our prayers have been answered.”

Honouring his last wish

Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and comes up with a plan to take some of his wealth with him into the next life. He calls for the three men he trusts most – his lawyer, his doctor and a clergyman.

“I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die”, says Mr Smith. “At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so I can try and take it with me”.

At the funeral, each approaches the coffin and places their envelope inside.

Later, whilst riding in the car to the cemetery, the clergyman says “I have to confess, I only put £20,000 in the coffin. The church needs a new baptistery very badly so I took £10,000 out of the envelope”. The doctor says “Well I didn’t put the full £30,000 in either. I used £20,000 of the money to buy a dialysis machine for the hospital”.

The lawyer then says “I’m ashamed of you both! When I put my envelope in that coffin it held my own personal cheque for the full £30,000!”.

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