Baking cookies

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

A dying confession

A man is on his deathbed and is reflecting upon his life. He decides to confess to his wife about his affair and come clean.

With great effort he calls his wife and begins, “Dear, I don’t know how long I have to live. I want to tell you the truth.” Taking in a deep breath he continues, “I haven’t been entirely faithful with you during our marriage. You know Betty, your best friend. I have had an affair with her for quite some time.”

Talking becomes more difficult and he manages, “I am sorry and I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me.”

The wife places her hand over the husband and gently calms him, “Now, Now. Don’t strain yourself. I know about the affair. That is the reason why I poisoned you.”

Honouring his last wish

Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and comes up with a plan to take some of his wealth with him into the next life. He calls for the three men he trusts most – his lawyer, his doctor and a clergyman.

“I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die”, says Mr Smith. “At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so I can try and take it with me”.

At the funeral, each approaches the coffin and places their envelope inside.

Later, whilst riding in the car to the cemetery, the clergyman says “I have to confess, I only put £20,000 in the coffin. The church needs a new baptistery very badly so I took £10,000 out of the envelope”. The doctor says “Well I didn’t put the full £30,000 in either. I used £20,000 of the money to buy a dialysis machine for the hospital”.

The lawyer then says “I’m ashamed of you both! When I put my envelope in that coffin it held my own personal cheque for the full £30,000!”.

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