Get Better Soon

I bought my husband a “Get Better Soon” card. No, he is not sick, I just think he can be better.

One common brain

(During an argument) Wife: “It is as though all you men have just one brain”

Husband: (Just looks on)

Wife: “Don’t just sit there staring at me. Aren’t you going to say something?”

Husband: “Hold on. It is not my turn with the brain yet”

Waking up to a hangover

A man wakes up with a huge hangover and sees his kid looking over him. He says, “Mom says that if you are awake, you can come down for coffee and breakfast”

He is a bit surprised and walks downstairs. At the table, he sees a great selection, one that will bring him out of his hangover. He looks at his son and says, “I was pretty drunk last night. What happened?”. The kid replies, “You came in at 1 AM, drove over the flowers that Mom planted last month. In the living room, as you staggered in, you broke the vase”. The man turns around to see the empty place where the vase used to be. “You puked over the stairs and Mom spent an hour today morning cleaning it out”, the kid continues.

With an incredulous look, the man asks, “So how come I am getting such a good treatment now?”. The kid replies, “You finally plopped on to the bed and Mom tried to remove your pants which had gotten all dirty. All you said was ‘Leave me alone lady, I am married’“

At the bar every night

A husband and wife go to a bar and he orders Jack Daniels shots for the both of them. He gulps his down in one go and looks at his wife. She picks her glass up and drinks it and immediately starts coughing. “That was terrible”, she says. He looks at her and remarks, “And you think I am out here every night enjoying myself at the bar”

Baking cookies

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

Late Night Mathematician

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually”, the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Lines in Heaven

An unfortunate accident at the sports stadium left a huge crowd of people in front of the Pearly Gates. To process them quicker, St. Peter ordered all the men to stand in two separate lines. “To handle the high volume of folks, I want the men divided into two lines. To my right, I want all men who listen to their wives and to my left the men who don’t listen to their wives.”

There is a scramble to form lines and after some time the men are divided. The line on St. Peter’s right winds over the clouds like a snake, while the other line just has one man. There are murmurs from the crowd and St. Peter asks the lone man, “You seem to be the only example in this category. I wonder what your wife would think if she saw you here.”

The man replies, “Category? What do you mean? I am standing here because my wife told me to.”

A dying confession

A man is on his deathbed and is reflecting upon his life. He decides to confess to his wife about his affair and come clean.

With great effort he calls his wife and begins, “Dear, I don’t know how long I have to live. I want to tell you the truth.” Taking in a deep breath he continues, “I haven’t been entirely faithful with you during our marriage. You know Betty, your best friend. I have had an affair with her for quite some time.”

Talking becomes more difficult and he manages, “I am sorry and I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me.”

The wife places her hand over the husband and gently calms him, “Now, Now. Don’t strain yourself. I know about the affair. That is the reason why I poisoned you.”