Entrance into Heaven

A priest and a New York Cab driver die and go to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter judges them and asks the driver to go to the super-luxurious, everything-covered section of Heaven. The priest is directed to the suburbs. Shocked, the priest questions St. Peter, “I have been a devout follower. I address masses and remind them of God and praise His glory. Yet, I am sent to the suburbs and he,”pointing at the driver,“goes to the better part of heaven?”

St. Peter looks at the priest and says, “When he drove, people prayed to God more reverently than when you gave your lectures”

Three men at the Pearly Gates

Three men are standing outside the Pearly Gates and are being questioned before entry. St. Peter says, “We have a bit of a space crunch, so only those who have died a horrific death will be allowed in.” Looking at the first man, he continues, “Why don’t you start?”

“I long had a suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. Today, I decided to do something about it. I reached home a few hours early and my wife opened the door only after I rang the bell many times.”, began the first, “I rushed in and searched room after room, there was no one except my wife. When I reached the balcony, I saw a hand gripping the edge and I knew I had my man. I pounded the guy’s fingers and finally he let go. I looked over and saw that he had fallen on some bushes and wasn’t hurt badly. This enraged me further. I dragged the refrigerator and heaving it over, dropped it on him. The whole thing stressed me out and I had an heart attack. So here I am.”

St. Peter consoled the man and asked the second to tell his story. “It was a pleasant evening and I decided to stretch myself in my balcony before going for a jog”, said the second man, who looked badly bruised. “I slipped and fell over. I thought all was lost, but thankfully I was able to grab hold of the balcony edge a couple of floors below. I had not taken a breath of relief, when some crazy guy started pounding at my fingers. I tried my best to hold on, but after a while I had to let go. I thought it was the end, but I landed on some greenery and ended up with only a few scratches. I counted my lucky stars for the second time that day. However it was short lived. The last thing I remember was a huge fridge crashing on to me.”

“It is a pity”, said St. Peter shaking his head. Finally turning to the third man he asked him how he got here. He began, “Imagine hiding in a cramped freezing refrigerator…”

Lines in Heaven

An unfortunate accident at the sports stadium left a huge crowd of people in front of the Pearly Gates. To process them quicker, St. Peter ordered all the men to stand in two separate lines. “To handle the high volume of folks, I want the men divided into two lines. To my right, I want all men who listen to their wives and to my left the men who don’t listen to their wives.”

There is a scramble to form lines and after some time the men are divided. The line on St. Peter’s right winds over the clouds like a snake, while the other line just has one man. There are murmurs from the crowd and St. Peter asks the lone man, “You seem to be the only example in this category. I wonder what your wife would think if she saw you here.”

The man replies, “Category? What do you mean? I am standing here because my wife told me to.”

Bill Gates at the Pearly Gates

Bill Gates is standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”

St. Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”

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