Tag archives for: Doctor
A man walks into a clinic. The receptionist asks him the purpose of his visit. He replies, “I have a problem with my p*nis”. Visibly shocked, she responds in a stern voice, “Sir! This is a public place. There are kids here. Please be discreet and refer to it by another body part name. Can you try answering me once again?”
The man begins, “I have a problem with my ear”. The receptionist is happier now and asks, “What seems to be the problem sir?”
To which he responds, “I can’t pee out of it”
Patient: Doctor, I’ve had some strange symptoms lately and I’m hoping you’ll be able to diagnose them.
Doctor: For starters, your eyesight seems to be poor.
Patient: Wait—how do you know? You haven’t even examined me yet.
Doctor: You failed to see the sign outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
Patient: Doctor, it hurts everywhere.
Doctor: Please sit down. Can you show me where it hurts?
Patient: (pressing his index finger against his head) Here (touching his stomach) Here (poking his other arm) Here (prodding his legs) Here too!
Doctor: (has a good look at the patient) I see your problem. Your body is fine. It is your index finger that is broken
A Doctor phones a patient and tells him, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live.”
The patient is livid, “I have twenty four hours to live and that is the good news? What in the world could be worse?”
To which the doc responds, “Well, the bad news is that, I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. “It is really quite simple”, they said. “We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.”
A doctor tells a group of patients, “The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” An old man raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake.”
In a night guided by a drunk brain, a man sleeps with a hooker. Two days later, his p*nis starts to turn black. Scared, he visits his doctor. The prognosis is clear, “It is infected. I will have to cut it off.”. The man is shocked, but he wants a second opinion. The second doctor confirms that his privates would have to go.
He decides to pursue other forms of medicine and goes to Chinese doctor. While the doctor is examining him, the man says, “I am worried, doc. They say that my p*nis will be on the chopping block”. “Ah! American doctors”, he says, “Always ready to do an operation. You don’t need it.”
The sigh of relief has hardly escaped him, when the doctor continues, “In two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and comes up with a plan to take some of his wealth with him into the next life. He calls for the three men he trusts most – his lawyer, his doctor and a clergyman.
“I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die”, says Mr Smith. “At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so I can try and take it with me”.
At the funeral, each approaches the coffin and places their envelope inside.
Later, whilst riding in the car to the cemetery, the clergyman says “I have to confess, I only put £20,000 in the coffin. The church needs a new baptistery very badly so I took £10,000 out of the envelope”. The doctor says “Well I didn’t put the full £30,000 in either. I used £20,000 of the money to buy a dialysis machine for the hospital”.
The lawyer then says “I’m ashamed of you both! When I put my envelope in that coffin it held my own personal cheque for the full £30,000!”.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
(by Christine Schrum)
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English, what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”