Exaggerated Claims

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting “Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest”.

The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits calmly back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says “This guy here was just exaggerating. Firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?? It turns out I don’t even know the guy”

Keeping up with the times

I was visiting my son the other night, when I asked him if I could borrow a newspaper.

“Dad, this is the 21st century”, he said, “I don’t waste money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”

I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.

Late for work

Late for work, John was getting berated by his boss.

“What’s your excuse for being an hour late?”, the boss questioned.

John began, “I started off on time, but the roads were so slippery, that for every step I took, I slid two steps back.”

His boss wasn’t convinced, “Really? Then how did you manage to get in to work?”

“I finally gave up and decided to turn back and walk home”, came the prompt reply.

Cows in the field

Two cows are grazing in a field and one of them asks the other, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease? It has me worried hearing about all the symptoms”

The other cow looks up from chewing and says, “Yeah! I sure am glad that I am a penguin”

My own boss

I took a taxi home today and the driver said “I am really happy with my job. I work my own hours. I am my own boss. No one tells me what to do”

Then I said, “Turn Left”

Bad Jokes

A compilation of bad jokes from a “You Laugh, You Lose” competition

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
When will it stop jamming

The other day I put my car in reverse.
That story always takes me back

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great Food, no atmosphere

How would you feel if there was no coffee?
Depresso

I just bought a new blindfold.
I can’t see myself wearing it.

Locked out

If ever you misplaced your keys and are locked out, talk calmly to your lock. Because communication is key.

Explaining it to the kid

My 8 year daughter: “Dad, what is the meaning of gays?”

Me: “You know how Mum and Dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way”

She: “So, what’s ‘penetrating gays'”?

Me: “Er.. Can you read me the whole sentence?”

She: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”

Me: “Oh!”

– @ItsAndyRyan (Twitter)

WiFi Password

A man walks into a bar and sits at the counter. He asks, “What’s the WiFi password?”. The bartender replies, “You must buy a drink first.”

The man says, “Okay, Can I get a Coke?”. The bartender says, “Sure. That will be 3$”

Once he gets his drink, the man asks again, “What’s the WiFi password?” The reply comes, “You must buy a drink first, no spaces, no capitals”

Get Better Soon

I bought my husband a “Get Better Soon” card. No, he is not sick, I just think he can be better.