One common brain

(During an argument) Wife: “It is as though all you men have just one brain”

Husband: (Just looks on)

Wife: “Don’t just sit there staring at me. Aren’t you going to say something?”

Husband: “Hold on. It is not my turn with the brain yet”

Pirate Problems

One day in a tavern a sailor and a pirate were comparing stories of their adventures. The pirate had a peg leg, one hook for a hand and an eye patch. The sailor asked about his peg leg. “I lost it in a shark attack”, the pirate said.

“What happened to your hand?”

“That I lost in a sword fight”, the pirate answered. And when he was asked about his patch, he explained a seagull dropping fell into his eye.

Astonished, the sailor said, “You mean to say that you lost your eye because of a seagull?”

“Well”, the pirate replied, “it happened the first day I had the hook”.

The very first computer

The very first computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It had an extremely limited memory.
Just one Byte

And everything crashed.

My own boss

I took a taxi home today and the driver said “I am really happy with my job. I work my own hours. I am my own boss. No one tells me what to do”

Then I said, “Turn Left”

Fashionable whilst under attack

A biographer is following a great naval commander to write his story. Out on the ocean, as the admiral speaks about his travels in this dangerous stretch of waters, the lookout shouts, “Pirates to port! Two ships with cannons approaching”

The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my red shirt.”. The biographer is surprised and asks about the dress change. The admiral replies, “Moral needs to be high in a battle. I wear my red shirt during battle for situations when I might be shot and I don’t want my men to know that I have been hit”

The biographer is impressed and true to the admiral’s words, his men fight hard and with vigor.

The next day whilst on the deck, a voice is heard from the crow’s nest, “Pirates ahoy! Ten armed ships speeding towards us”

The admiral looks at his deputy and says, “Bring me my brown pants”

Precious Words

When a fire destroys the barn and the adjacent farmland, two brothers are left to pick up the pieces. The only things that survived were half a dozen cows that ran out during the fire.

The only option is to find a bull stud and build up a dairy farm. While they are searching around, they come across an advertisement. The smarter brother decides to take the train to see the animal and if all goes well, telegram back to the ‘brawny-but-not-brainy’ one to drive the truck to pick up the bull.

Everything is as advertised, but the seller drives a hard bargain. The older brother is left with just one dollar. He goes to the post office to send the telegram as agreed. The attendant at the post office informs him that the rate is a dollar per word for the telegram. He tries to explain his situation, but the attendant is firm.

After much thinking, he sends one word – COMFORTABLE.

The attendant is puzzled. “How will your brother know?”, he asks. Prompt comes the reply, “He isn’t exactly the smartest chap. He reads very slowly – COME-FOR-THE-BULL”

Bill Gates at the Pearly Gates

Bill Gates is standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”

St. Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”

3 Old Men

Three men are sitting in a retirement home and discussing their problems. The first says, “I have so much trouble peeing. I really have to struggle to do this simple thing.”

The second says, “I am so constipated. I can hardly get anything out after sitting on the can for an hour.”

The third begins, “Well, I pee like a horse every morning at 6. Then at 7, I crap my insides out.”

The other two look at him and exclaim, “What are you complaining about then?”

The third replies, “I don’t get up until 8”

Let there be light

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”

“Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”

What do you take for that?

Sitting beside me on a long haul flight was a lady who seemed to be suffering from allergies. She would often sneeze and after sneezing, her body would shiver uncontrollably. I was a little concerned for her and inquired, “Are you okay? Do you need any help?”

Sniffling and with a tissue near her nose, she replied, “Thanks, but I am okay. I have this rare condition that everytime I sneeze, I get an orgasm”

“That’s difficult. I am sorry to hear that. Are you taking something to manage it?”, I ask helpfully.

She says, “Yes, Pepper”

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