Some Assembly required

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. “It is really quite simple”, they said. “We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.”

An Awkward Conversation

I was using the office restroom and I had just sat myself on the WC. Unexpectedly, I heard a cheery, “Hi!” from the next stall. I was a bit startled, but recovered enough to return the greeting.

“How are you?”, the voice continued. “Doing Fine, I guess.”, was all I could manage. “Big plans for the weekend, heh?” came the next question. “Well, I was thinking of going to the movies”, I ventured, when I was interrupted. “Hang on a minute. I am going to put you on hold. The guy in the next stall thinks I am talking to him.”

What are neighbors for?

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.”

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”

“Silence in the court!” The judge turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”

“You tightwad!” blurts the spectator.

“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”

“You cheap son of a… ” the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, “I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?”

“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?”

It Hurts everywhere

Patient: Doctor, it hurts everywhere.

Doctor: Please sit down. Can you show me where it hurts?

Patient: (pressing his index finger against his head) Here (touching his stomach) Here (poking his other arm) Here (prodding his legs) Here too!

Doctor: (has a good look at the patient) I see your problem. Your body is fine. It is your index finger that is broken

Painless delivery

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine and asked if they’d like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman’s pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep .

Once a year

Durex was conducting a research into the bedroom behavior of men. The focus group of about 100 men were in a room and were being asked questions about their love life. One of the very first questions was about frequency of love making.

“How many of you have sex daily?”, the interviewer asked. About half of the room raised their hands.

The question “Once a week?” had about a quarter of the males responding in the affirmative. The interviewer went on increasing the frequency to a month, a quarter, every six months. The number of hands kept reducing. Finally, he asked, “How about once a year?” and promptly a hand shot up in the back.

The guy could hardly contain himself, almost jumping in his seat. Curious, the interviewer asked him, “You raised your hand for having sex once a year and you seem super excited. May I ask the reason?”

Between excited breaths, the man replied, “Tonight is the night! Tonight is the night!”

Touring Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Time to spare

Today, I combined all my old wrist watches to make a belt. I don’t recommend it though, it is a complete waist of time.

Can I get the medical term please?

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English, what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

What they teach in college

I was attending a job fair at a 5-star hotel. There were hundreds of students from other colleges. In the men’s restroom, there were two more graduates from other colleges who were finishing up just as I was. The first one walked over to the wash basin and proceeded to thoroughly wash his hands, apply soap and then rinse it off. He then uses a bunch of towels to dry himself. Looking at us, he remarked, “I am from Stanford, they teach us to be meticulous.”.

The second kid near the washbasin, washed his hands, quicker than the first, used just a single paper towel and with a smirk on his face said, “I am from Harvard, they teach us to be efficient”

I could see that the other two were looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I proceeded to the door and half-opening it, looked back and said, “I am from MIT, they teach us not to piss on our hands”

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