A man walks into a clinic

A man walks into a clinic. The receptionist asks him the purpose of his visit. He replies, “I have a problem with my p*nis”. Visibly shocked, she responds in a stern voice, “Sir! This is a public place. There are kids here. Please be discreet and refer to it by another body part name. Can you try answering me once again?”

The man begins, “I have a problem with my ear”. The receptionist is happier now and asks, “What seems to be the problem sir?”

To which he responds, “I can’t pee out of it”

Engineers confuse holidays

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Explaining it to the kid

My 8 year daughter: “Dad, what is the meaning of gays?”

Me: “You know how Mum and Dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way”

She: “So, what’s ‘penetrating gays'”?

Me: “Er.. Can you read me the whole sentence?”

She: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”

Me: “Oh!”

– @ItsAndyRyan (Twitter)

One Blue Pill please

An old man hobbles down the aisle to meet the pharmacist. “I would like to buy some Viagra please”, he says, hands shaking and reaching the counter for support.

The pharmacist is surprised and questions, “You look like in no shape to get into the love making act. Why do you want Viagra?”

The old man replies, “No, No. It is not for the bedroom. I want to take this so that I can stop peeing on my slippers.”

Bad Jokes

A compilation of bad jokes from a “You Laugh, You Lose” competition

I can hear music coming out of my printer.

When will it stop jamming

The other day I put my car in reverse.

That story always takes me back

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great Food, no atmosphere

How would you feel if there was no coffee?

Depresso

I just bought a new blindfold.

I can’t see myself wearing it.

Learning Dad

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

Applying the vaseline

Ken couldn’t believe his luck when he saw an ad for his dream motorcycle at an amazing price. Sure enough, there was a catch, the hot rod had a defect that would damage the engine if exposed to rain. The current owner assured Ken, “Nothing to worry. Keep a jar of vaseline with you at all times. If it looks like it is going to rain, apply a blob here,” pointing at the engine, “and everything would be fine” Ken is sold. He goes ahead with the purchase.

Many memorable rides later, Ken’s girlfriend invites him to meet her parents over dinner. Ken reaches her home on time and as they step into the kitchen for dinner, he is shocked to see dirty dishes all over the place. Dishes in the sink, on the counter, even peeking out from cupboards. Seeing his expression, his girlfriend tells him “Errm, we have a rule in the house, whoever speaks while eating has to do the dishes. No one wants to do the dishes, so we are absolutely quiet when eating and the dishes have just accumulated.” Her father adds his warning, “This is extended to guests as well. If you don’t want to end up with the dishes, I suggest that not a single sound comes out from you”

The dinner goes ahead in complete silence. With a devilish twinkle in his eye, Ken decides to make love to his girlfriend right there. Everyone around the table is shocked, but not a word is uttered. Ken gets back to his seat and to his meal. Soon, he thinks he can take this further. He goes over to the mother and has his way with her. The dad is fuming, but doesn’t say anything.

It is time for dessert, and Ken can hear thunder rumbling in the distance. Worried about his bike, he takes out the jar of vaseline and gets up. The dad immediately puts his hands up in the air and exclaims, “Enough! I will do the dishes. Put that vaseline away for goodness sake!”

Friends – Men vs Women

The wife is late one day home and her husband calls her to find out. She says that she is with her friend. The husband decides to call her friends to confirm. All of them reply that they haven’t seen her the whole day.

The husband is late home another day and when his wife calls him he says that he is with his friend. The wife calls his friends to check on his story. Four of them vouch that her husband is with them right now.

At the office

The wife decided to surprise her husband and reached his office unannounced. She walks into his cabin to find his secretary on his lap.

Without missing a beat, the husband says, “Budget cuts or no, I cannot continue to function with just a single chair in my office.”

Fearing the negative

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

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