Fraction of a second

A fraction of a second is defined as the time between the signal turning green and the honk from the car behind.

ChuckleCraft

Husbands shopping

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Bill Gates at the Pearly Gates

Bill Gates is standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”

St. Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”

A drink for my mate

Whenever Jose is at his favorite watering hole, he orders his drinks in twos. It is always “two shots of tequila” or “two pints”.

The bartender’s curiosity made him ask, “Why do you always order two drinks? If you ordered them one after the other, both drinks would be cold.”

Jose replies, “Back in my college days, my best friend Oscar and I would go out drinking. Our jobs made us move to different cities. We made a pact that whenever we wish to drink, we would drink one more for the other”

Impressed at the bond between friends, the bartender gives him his order on the house.

A few months later, Jose walks into the bar and to the bartender’s surprise, orders a single glass of whiskey. Handing over the glass, the bartender offers his condolences, “I am very sorry about your loss. I am sure Oscar will be missed.”

Jose looks puzzled before realizing what the bartender meant. “Oh! Don’t worry, Oscar is fine. It is just that I have stopped drinking.”

Touring Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Bad Jokes

A compilation of bad jokes from a “You Laugh, You Lose” competition

I can hear music coming out of my printer.

When will it stop jamming

The other day I put my car in reverse.

That story always takes me back

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great Food, no atmosphere

How would you feel if there was no coffee?

Depresso

I just bought a new blindfold.

I can’t see myself wearing it.

Proud of my son

4 mates get together after a long time, after catching up on their life events one of the mate goes to the loo. Mean while the discussion between the rest continues & leads to their sons.

1st Mate states that his son is doing really good in stock market that he bought one of his friend a new Mercedes.

2nd Mate says his son is doing well too & has earned a handsome amount of money that he bought one of his friend a private jet.

3rd Mate says his son is doing exceptionally well that he bought is friend a villa in upstate New York.

That’s when the 4th mate comes back from the restroom & asks what are they discussing about & the mates tell him about their sons, where he says, “Oh! well, my son is gay”.

Other mates are in shock & try to console him but he says, “I am not worried, I am proud of My son as he too is doing pretty well, he has friends who are in so much love with him that they recently got him a new Mercedes, a private Jet & a new villa in upstate New York”.

Secrets

Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they really aren’t listening anyway.

On the highway

There’s a senior citizen driving in the wrong direction on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!”
Herman says, “I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”

Lines in Heaven

An unfortunate accident at the sports stadium left a huge crowd of people in front of the Pearly Gates. To process them quicker, St. Peter ordered all the men to stand in two separate lines. “To handle the high volume of folks, I want the men divided into two lines. To my right, I want all men who listen to their wives and to my left the men who don’t listen to their wives.”

There is a scramble to form lines and after some time the men are divided. The line on St. Peter’s right winds over the clouds like a snake, while the other line just has one man. There are murmurs from the crowd and St. Peter asks the lone man, “You seem to be the only example in this category. I wonder what your wife would think if she saw you here.”

The man replies, “Category? What do you mean? I am standing here because my wife told me to.”

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