Touring Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Proud of my son

4 mates get together after a long time, after catching up on their life events one of the mate goes to the loo. Mean while the discussion between the rest continues & leads to their sons.

1st Mate states that his son is doing really good in stock market that he bought one of his friend a new Mercedes.

2nd Mate says his son is doing well too & has earned a handsome amount of money that he bought one of his friend a private jet.

3rd Mate says his son is doing exceptionally well that he bought is friend a villa in upstate New York.

That’s when the 4th mate comes back from the restroom & asks what are they discussing about & the mates tell him about their sons, where he says, “Oh! well, my son is gay”.

Other mates are in shock & try to console him but he says, “I am not worried, I am proud of My son as he too is doing pretty well, he has friends who are in so much love with him that they recently got him a new Mercedes, a private Jet & a new villa in upstate New York”.

50-year Anniversary

An old couple drive through town and stop by the diner where they first met. As they delve into nostalgia, the topic moves to the first time they made love and it happens to be by the fence behind this very same diner. “How about going back there for old times sake?” asks the old man, with mischief in his eyes. To his surprise, the wife says, “Let’s go for it!” and they proceed to walk out through the backdoor.

All this while a guy hears the whole conversation from the adjacent booth. “It would be interesting to see how the oldies get it on”, he thinks with a chuckle and also walks to the back of the diner.

From behind the garbage cans, he sees the old couple undressing clumsily. The busybody’s grin slowly turns into amazement as he sees the two having the most amazing s*x he has seen in his entire life. 30 minutes later, after they are fully clothed, he approaches them with an apology and asks, “I don’t want to interrupt, but I was at the adjacent booth from the diner and I am amazed to see you both in action; even after 50 years of marriage.”

The old man replies, “Son! You want to know the secret? Fifty years ago, that fence wasn’t f**king electrified”

Daylight Savings

When told the reason for daylight savings time, the Old Indian said, “Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the the top of the blanket, sew it at the bottom, and have a longer blanket”

On the highway

There’s a senior citizen driving in the wrong direction on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!”
Herman says, “I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”

Discussing War at the Bar

At a bar in downtown Washington, the Pakistani PM enters and sees the US President and the Indian Prime Minister sitting at a table. They seem to be discussing seriously, even drawing on the napkins. Curious, the Pakistani PM approaches the table and pulls up a chair. “Hello! What are you guys discussing?”, he begins. The other two leaders look at each other and seem unsure. The Indian PM breaks the silence, “Well, we were discussing the bombing of three major Pakistani cities and also killing one bicycle repairman”.

A puzzled Pakistani PM asks, “What? A bicycle repairman, Why?”. The Indian PM turns to the US President and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the bombing”

<Template Joke: You can replace the characters and retell it to others to suit your audience. No offense is meant to the current characters used>

A tight squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that it offered a $1,000 bet no one could squeeze a single drop more from a lemon the bartender had already squeezed. Men from almost every walk of life had tried and failed.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit walked into the bar. “I’d like to try the bet”, he said. After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the juice. Then he handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.

The crowd’s laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon. Six drops fell into the glass! The patrons erupted into cheers.

As the bartender handed over the $1,000, he asked what the little man did for a living. “I work for the IRS”, he answered.

At the office

The wife decided to surprise her husband and reached his office unannounced. She walks into his cabin to find his secretary on his lap.

Without missing a beat, the husband says, “Budget cuts or no, I cannot continue to function with just a single chair in my office.”

It Hurts everywhere

Patient: Doctor, it hurts everywhere.

Doctor: Please sit down. Can you show me where it hurts?

Patient: (pressing his index finger against his head) Here (touching his stomach) Here (poking his other arm) Here (prodding his legs) Here too!

Doctor: (has a good look at the patient) I see your problem. Your body is fine. It is your index finger that is broken

Explaining it to the kid

My 8 year daughter: “Dad, what is the meaning of gays?”

Me: “You know how Mum and Dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way”

She: “So, what’s ‘penetrating gays'”?

Me: “Er.. Can you read me the whole sentence?”

She: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”

Me: “Oh!”

– @ItsAndyRyan (Twitter)

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