Digging themselves deeper

While walking down the street, I saw two men hard at work. One was digging a hole roughly a foot and a half deep and it was quickly followed by the second person filling up the hole. As they toiled away, I was curious and approached them to ask what they were doing. The first replied, “You see, we are given the task of planting trees by the side of the road. Three of us usually work this job. I, dig a hole. Raju, plants the tree and finally, Mark here fills the hole up.”

He then continued, “Today Raju is out sick and Mark and I are just doing our job.”

Alien at the gas station

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters “U.F.O.” printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked, “Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?” The alien answered, “No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!”

At the doctor’s clinic

(Overheard at the doctor’s clinic)

“Mr. Johnson, we need you to be unconscious for this procedure. Would you like a general anaesthetic or would you prefer to see your medical bill?”

Sign of the times

A century ago, rich people drove cars and the common folk rode horses.

Now, commoners drive cars and the rich ride horses.

Oh! how the stables have turned

Typing in winter

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

(Credit – Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington)

Medically Fit

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, “Can you read the letters on the wall?”

“What letters?” I answered slyly. “Good,” said the doctor. “You passed the hearing test.”

Negatives & Positives

The eminent linguistic philosopher J. L. Austin of Oxford once gave a lecture in which he asserted that there are many languages in which a double negative makes a positive, but none in which a double positive makes a negative — to which the Columbia philosopher Sidney Morgenbesser, sitting in the audience, sarcastically replied, “Yeah, yeah.”

Originally from nytimes

A plot twist

“Your generation is too reliant on technology”, said my grandpa.

“No, YOUR generation is too reliant on technology”, I retorted as I pulled the plug from his life support to prove my point.

Precious Words

When a fire destroys the barn and the adjacent farmland, two brothers are left to pick up the pieces. The only things that survived were half a dozen cows that ran out during the fire.

The only option is to find a bull stud and build up a dairy farm. While they are searching around, they come across an advertisement. The smarter brother decides to take the train to see the animal and if all goes well, telegram back to the ‘brawny-but-not-brainy’ one to drive the truck to pick up the bull.

Everything is as advertised, but the seller drives a hard bargain. The older brother is left with just one dollar. He goes to the post office to send the telegram as agreed. The attendant at the post office informs him that the rate is a dollar per word for the telegram. He tries to explain his situation, but the attendant is firm.

After much thinking, he sends one word – COMFORTABLE.

The attendant is puzzled. “How will your brother know?”, he asks. Prompt comes the reply, “He isn’t exactly the smartest chap. He reads very slowly – COME-FOR-THE-BULL”

Husbands shopping

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

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