Testing high tech windscreens

Boeing engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

Once a year

Durex was conducting a research into the bedroom behavior of men. The focus group of about 100 men were in a room and were being asked questions about their love life. One of the very first questions was about frequency of love making.

“How many of you have sex daily?”, the interviewer asked. About half of the room raised their hands.

The question “Once a week?” had about a quarter of the males responding in the affirmative. The interviewer went on increasing the frequency to a month, a quarter, every six months. The number of hands kept reducing. Finally, he asked, “How about once a year?” and promptly a hand shot up in the back.

The guy could hardly contain himself, almost jumping in his seat. Curious, the interviewer asked him, “You raised your hand for having sex once a year and you seem super excited. May I ask the reason?”

Between excited breaths, the man replied, “Tonight is the night! Tonight is the night!”

You have three wishes

A man picks up an old lamp that is half buried in the sand. Upon rubbing it, out pops a genie. “You have three wishes”, says the genie.

“Hmm..”, the man begins, “I wish ‘three’ means 1000”

“Your wish is granted”, the genie announces. “You now have two wishes”

“I wish ‘two’ means 1000”, the man says and immediately regrets it

Finding the right parrot

A man walks into a pet shop and starts looking at parrots to buy. He notices one and enquires its price. The shopkeeper tells him, “This parrot costs 2000 dollars. It will answer phone calls for you”

Moving on, he stops at another cage. The shopkeeper tells him, “This will cost you $5000. It will answer your phones as well as take dictation and organize your calendar.”

Looking at the last cage, the man asks, “How much for this one?”. The reply is that it costs 10,000 dollars. Stunned at the high price, he asks, “What does this parrot do?”

“Well, all I see him do all day is sit around”, came the reply, “But the other two call him ‘Boss’

Let there be light

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”

“Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”

A view to die for

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

Entrance into Heaven

A priest and a New York Cab driver die and go to heaven at the same time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter judges them and asks the driver to go to the super-luxurious, everything-covered section of Heaven. The priest is directed to the suburbs. Shocked, the priest questions St. Peter, “I have been a devout follower. I address masses and remind them of God and praise His glory. Yet, I am sent to the suburbs and he,”pointing at the driver,“goes to the better part of heaven?”

St. Peter looks at the priest and says, “When he drove, people prayed to God more reverently than when you gave your lectures”

Taking it literally

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine’s Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”

With certainty in his voice, the man said, “You’ll know tonight.”

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled – “The meaning of Dreams”.

Genie and a writer

A writer is walking down a beach when he sees an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and out comes a genie.

“Thank you for releasing me from my prison. I will grant you one wish. What is it that you want?”

The writer thinks for a moment and says, “I want my writings to bring out strong emotions in my readers. I want my readers to feel pain, anguish and sadness when they read what I have written.”

The Genie grants him his wish. The writer is now composing error messages for Microsoft.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar

Ouch!

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