Why I fired my secretary

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t utter a word. I was not expecting much, but for everyone to ignore the date, I just couldn’t take it. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy Birthday, Boss!”. I was elated. She asked me out for lunch.

As we sat having food, she suggested, “Let’s have some wine. After all it is your birthday.”. I didn’t say no. We were ready to leave and she said, with a twinkle in her eye, “Boss! Let’s go over to my place”. We went in and she said, “Would you mind if I went into the bedroom for a minute?”. “Okay”, I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, my parents and my colleagues, all yelling “Surprise!”. And there I was on the couch.. naked.

Painless delivery

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine and asked if they’d like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman’s pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep .

Taking it literally

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine’s Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”

With certainty in his voice, the man said, “You’ll know tonight.”

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled – “The meaning of Dreams”.

Fearing the negative

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Saving a hundred grand

A man goes to the local club for a round of golf. He is paired with another member, who, he has never seen before. They tee off and as they progress they begin to chat and talk about work. When asked what he does for a living, the other man says, “I don’t usually advertise what I do, but since we are alone, let me tell you that I am a gun for hire.”

“Seriously?”, the first man asks, “How much do you charge?”

“A hundred thousand for each shot”, the killer says.

They continue playing and the first man is really excited and asks him a lot of questions, from how he gets his orders to what gun he uses. The assassin tells him that he always carries his sniper rifle around and proceeds to pull it out of the golf bag. Placing the scope to his eye, the first man has a look around and is quite impressed. Turning the rifle in the direction of his home, he says, “Look! I can see my house from here. I can see the bedroom on the first floor.”.

Suddenly, he gets angry and curses, “Damn that two-timing wife of mine. I can see her in the arms of my neighbor. What the hell is going on?”

“Look here”, he says turning to his golf partner, “I will give you a hundred thousand to shoot my neighbor in his crotch, he will never be able to screw around and another hundred to shoot my wife in her mouth so that she can never speak again”

The assassin takes the rifle and begins to take aim. Five minutes pass and he still hasn’t pulled the trigger. The husband is angry and bursts out, “What kind of a professional are you? For a simple shot such as this, you are taking forever.”

Taking his eye off the scope, he simply replies, “They have undressed now. If you give me a minute, I can save you a hundred grand.”

Testing high tech windscreens

Boeing engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

Waking up to a hangover

A man wakes up with a huge hangover and sees his kid looking over him. He says, “Mom says that if you are awake, you can come down for coffee and breakfast”

He is a bit surprised and walks downstairs. At the table, he sees a great selection, one that will bring him out of his hangover. He looks at his son and says, “I was pretty drunk last night. What happened?”. The kid replies, “You came in at 1 AM, drove over the flowers that Mom planted last month. In the living room, as you staggered in, you broke the vase”. The man turns around to see the empty place where the vase used to be. “You puked over the stairs and Mom spent an hour today morning cleaning it out”, the kid continues.

With an incredulous look, the man asks, “So how come I am getting such a good treatment now?”. The kid replies, “You finally plopped on to the bed and Mom tried to remove your pants which had gotten all dirty. All you said was ‘Leave me alone lady, I am married’“

Dear Algebra

Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find out your X. She is not coming back, you need to accept that. Don’t ask us Y.

Daylight Savings

When told the reason for daylight savings time, the Old Indian said, “Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the the top of the blanket, sew it at the bottom, and have a longer blanket”

Can you hear alright?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9}.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I havn’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

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