A man is talking to God. “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”
Husbands shopping
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
Bringing the parrot to line
A man had a foul mouthed parrot as a pet. He tried his best to train it and not embarrass him in front of guests. Even attempts to control the parrot by denying crackers didn’t help. The parrot showered abuse as if it were a pirate. One evening after his date stormed out after some really offensive remarks, he was livid. In a fit of rage, he caught the bird and pushed it into the freezer.
A few minutes later, his anger subsided and he went to fetch his parrot. When the parrot came out, it started apologizing and said that it would be decent and never ever swear again. The man was surprised, “What made you change your mind?”. The parrot replied, “Well, I saw the chicken in the freezer and I knew I didn’t want to end up like that guy”
Explaining it to the kid
My 8 year daughter: “Dad, what is the meaning of gays?”
Me: “You know how Mum and Dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way”
She: “So, what’s ‘penetrating gays'”?
Me: “Er.. Can you read me the whole sentence?”
She: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: “Oh!”
– @ItsAndyRyan (Twitter)
Saving a hundred grand
A man goes to the local club for a round of golf. He is paired with another member, who, he has never seen before. They tee off and as they progress they begin to chat and talk about work. When asked what he does for a living, the other man says, “I don’t usually advertise what I do, but since we are alone, let me tell you that I am a gun for hire.”
“Seriously?”, the first man asks, “How much do you charge?”
“A hundred thousand for each shot”, the killer says.
They continue playing and the first man is really excited and asks him a lot of questions, from how he gets his orders to what gun he uses. The assassin tells him that he always carries his sniper rifle around and proceeds to pull it out of the golf bag. Placing the scope to his eye, the first man has a look around and is quite impressed. Turning the rifle in the direction of his home, he says, “Look! I can see my house from here. I can see the bedroom on the first floor.”.
Suddenly, he gets angry and curses, “Damn that two-timing wife of mine. I can see her in the arms of my neighbor. What the hell is going on?”
“Look here”, he says turning to his golf partner, “I will give you a hundred thousand to shoot my neighbor in his crotch, he will never be able to screw around and another hundred to shoot my wife in her mouth so that she can never speak again”
The assassin takes the rifle and begins to take aim. Five minutes pass and he still hasn’t pulled the trigger. The husband is angry and bursts out, “What kind of a professional are you? For a simple shot such as this, you are taking forever.”
Taking his eye off the scope, he simply replies, “They have undressed now. If you give me a minute, I can save you a hundred grand.”
The boldest soldiers
Three top ranking officers of the army, navy and the air force meet at a military exercise and begin boasting about how their soldiers are the best and the bravest. Unable to agree, they decide to keep a challenge and let actions speak.
The army general is first. He calls a private, asks him to go unarmed to the nearby forest and bring back a skinned grizzly bear. The soldier returns in under 15 minutes with the bear fur. The general looks at the others proudly.
The admiral from the navy calls on his man. His mission is to sneak into the heavily guarded Russian embassy and get the ambassador’s seal. The seaman leaves and by the time the three finish a cigar, the seal is presented to them. The admiral can’t control the smirk on his face.
The air chief marshal doesn’t skip a beat. He calls a cadet and instructs him to run the parade ground a 100 times, while in full uniform and at the end climb the flag pole and affix the air force flag at the top. The cadet replies, “Are you kidding me? Get it done yourself!” and proceeds to walk away.
The marshal turns around to his compatriots and says, “Now! That is what I call bravery.”
At the office
The wife decided to surprise her husband and reached his office unannounced. She walks into his cabin to find his secretary on his lap.
Without missing a beat, the husband says, “Budget cuts or no, I cannot continue to function with just a single chair in my office.”
Late for work
Late for work, John was getting berated by his boss.
“What’s your excuse for being an hour late?”, the boss questioned.
John began, “I started off on time, but the roads were so slippery, that for every step I took, I slid two steps back.”
His boss wasn’t convinced, “Really? Then how did you manage to get in to work?”
“I finally gave up and decided to turn back and walk home”, came the prompt reply.
Life is too short to remove USB safely.
One common brain
(During an argument) Wife: “It is as though all you men have just one brain”
Husband: (Just looks on)
Wife: “Don’t just sit there staring at me. Aren’t you going to say something?”
Husband: “Hold on. It is not my turn with the brain yet”