Saving a hundred grand

A man goes to the local club for a round of golf. He is paired with another member, who, he has never seen before. They tee off and as they progress they begin to chat and talk about work. When asked what he does for a living, the other man says, “I don’t usually advertise what I do, but since we are alone, let me tell you that I am a gun for hire.”

“Seriously?”, the first man asks, “How much do you charge?”

“A hundred thousand for each shot”, the killer says.

They continue playing and the first man is really excited and asks him a lot of questions, from how he gets his orders to what gun he uses. The assassin tells him that he always carries his sniper rifle around and proceeds to pull it out of the golf bag. Placing the scope to his eye, the first man has a look around and is quite impressed. Turning the rifle in the direction of his home, he says, “Look! I can see my house from here. I can see the bedroom on the first floor.”.

Suddenly, he gets angry and curses, “Damn that two-timing wife of mine. I can see her in the arms of my neighbor. What the hell is going on?”

“Look here”, he says turning to his golf partner, “I will give you a hundred thousand to shoot my neighbor in his crotch, he will never be able to screw around and another hundred to shoot my wife in her mouth so that she can never speak again”

The assassin takes the rifle and begins to take aim. Five minutes pass and he still hasn’t pulled the trigger. The husband is angry and bursts out, “What kind of a professional are you? For a simple shot such as this, you are taking forever.”

Taking his eye off the scope, he simply replies, “They have undressed now. If you give me a minute, I can save you a hundred grand.”

Prodding your bull

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet”, his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

Age is just a number

We should rename all references to “Age” as “Levels”. That way when you are 80, Level 80 sounds more badass than being an old person

Engineers confuse holidays

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Blond Robbers

In a failing economy, two blondes decide to rob and make money. In the middle of the break-in, they hear police sirens and it is definitely getting louder. One blond says to the other “It is too dangerous to go out of the front door, let’s jump out of the window” The other replies, “But we are on the 13th floor.”

The first looks at the other, “We could get arrested and all you can think now is about superstition”

At the bar every night

A husband and wife go to a bar and he orders Jack Daniels shots for the both of them. He gulps his down in one go and looks at his wife. She picks her glass up and drinks it and immediately starts coughing. “That was terrible”, she says. He looks at her and remarks, “And you think I am out here every night enjoying myself at the bar”

Time to spare

Today, I combined all my old wrist watches to make a belt. I don’t recommend it though, it is a complete waist of time.

On the highway

There’s a senior citizen driving in the wrong direction on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!”
Herman says, “I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”

Math Problems

Teacher: If you have 4 books and I give you 3 more, how many books would you have?

Student: 7 books

Teacher: Good. Now, if you have 2947 books and I gave you 1836 books, what would you have?

Student: A library

Company Health Advisory

Posted on the office bulletin board:

Effective immediately, the company gym will be shutdown. Employees are already skipping work, dodging responsibility, pushing their luck and jumping to conclusions.

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