Testing high tech windscreens

Boeing engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot’s backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”

Applying the vaseline

Ken couldn’t believe his luck when he saw an ad for his dream motorcycle at an amazing price. Sure enough, there was a catch, the hot rod had a defect that would damage the engine if exposed to rain. The current owner assured Ken, “Nothing to worry. Keep a jar of vaseline with you at all times. If it looks like it is going to rain, apply a blob here,” pointing at the engine, “and everything would be fine” Ken is sold. He goes ahead with the purchase.

Many memorable rides later, Ken’s girlfriend invites him to meet her parents over dinner. Ken reaches her home on time and as they step into the kitchen for dinner, he is shocked to see dirty dishes all over the place. Dishes in the sink, on the counter, even peeking out from cupboards. Seeing his expression, his girlfriend tells him “Errm, we have a rule in the house, whoever speaks while eating has to do the dishes. No one wants to do the dishes, so we are absolutely quiet when eating and the dishes have just accumulated.” Her father adds his warning, “This is extended to guests as well. If you don’t want to end up with the dishes, I suggest that not a single sound comes out from you”

The dinner goes ahead in complete silence. With a devilish twinkle in his eye, Ken decides to make love to his girlfriend right there. Everyone around the table is shocked, but not a word is uttered. Ken gets back to his seat and to his meal. Soon, he thinks he can take this further. He goes over to the mother and has his way with her. The dad is fuming, but doesn’t say anything.

It is time for dessert, and Ken can hear thunder rumbling in the distance. Worried about his bike, he takes out the jar of vaseline and gets up. The dad immediately puts his hands up in the air and exclaims, “Enough! I will do the dishes. Put that vaseline away for goodness sake!”

Late Night Mathematician

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually”, the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

A Programmer goes shopping

The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Husbands shopping

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Taking it literally

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine’s Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”

With certainty in his voice, the man said, “You’ll know tonight.”

That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled – “The meaning of Dreams”.

Life

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

Anonymous

Negatives & Positives

The eminent linguistic philosopher J. L. Austin of Oxford once gave a lecture in which he asserted that there are many languages in which a double negative makes a positive, but none in which a double positive makes a negative — to which the Columbia philosopher Sidney Morgenbesser, sitting in the audience, sarcastically replied, “Yeah, yeah.”

Originally from nytimes

The boldest soldiers

Three top ranking officers of the army, navy and the air force meet at a military exercise and begin boasting about how their soldiers are the best and the bravest. Unable to agree, they decide to keep a challenge and let actions speak.

The army general is first. He calls a private, asks him to go unarmed to the nearby forest and bring back a skinned grizzly bear. The soldier returns in under 15 minutes with the bear fur. The general looks at the others proudly.

The admiral from the navy calls on his man. His mission is to sneak into the heavily guarded Russian embassy and get the ambassador’s seal. The seaman leaves and by the time the three finish a cigar, the seal is presented to them. The admiral can’t control the smirk on his face.

The air chief marshal doesn’t skip a beat. He calls a cadet and instructs him to run the parade ground a 100 times, while in full uniform and at the end climb the flag pole and affix the air force flag at the top. The cadet replies, “Are you kidding me? Get it done yourself!” and proceeds to walk away.

The marshal turns around to his compatriots and says, “Now! That is what I call bravery.”

Alien at the gas station

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters “U.F.O.” printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked, “Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?” The alien answered, “No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!”

Back to top