A Mexican Magician told his audience that he would disappear at the count of three
He began counting, “Uno, Dos..”
And he disappeared without a tres
Once a year
Durex was conducting a research into the bedroom behavior of men. The focus group of about 100 men were in a room and were being asked questions about their love life. One of the very first questions was about frequency of love making.
“How many of you have sex daily?”, the interviewer asked. About half of the room raised their hands.
The question “Once a week?” had about a quarter of the males responding in the affirmative. The interviewer went on increasing the frequency to a month, a quarter, every six months. The number of hands kept reducing. Finally, he asked, “How about once a year?” and promptly a hand shot up in the back.
The guy could hardly contain himself, almost jumping in his seat. Curious, the interviewer asked him, “You raised your hand for having sex once a year and you seem super excited. May I ask the reason?”
Between excited breaths, the man replied, “Tonight is the night! Tonight is the night!”
Saving a hundred grand
A man goes to the local club for a round of golf. He is paired with another member, who, he has never seen before. They tee off and as they progress they begin to chat and talk about work. When asked what he does for a living, the other man says, “I don’t usually advertise what I do, but since we are alone, let me tell you that I am a gun for hire.”
“Seriously?”, the first man asks, “How much do you charge?”
“A hundred thousand for each shot”, the killer says.
They continue playing and the first man is really excited and asks him a lot of questions, from how he gets his orders to what gun he uses. The assassin tells him that he always carries his sniper rifle around and proceeds to pull it out of the golf bag. Placing the scope to his eye, the first man has a look around and is quite impressed. Turning the rifle in the direction of his home, he says, “Look! I can see my house from here. I can see the bedroom on the first floor.”.
Suddenly, he gets angry and curses, “Damn that two-timing wife of mine. I can see her in the arms of my neighbor. What the hell is going on?”
“Look here”, he says turning to his golf partner, “I will give you a hundred thousand to shoot my neighbor in his crotch, he will never be able to screw around and another hundred to shoot my wife in her mouth so that she can never speak again”
The assassin takes the rifle and begins to take aim. Five minutes pass and he still hasn’t pulled the trigger. The husband is angry and bursts out, “What kind of a professional are you? For a simple shot such as this, you are taking forever.”
Taking his eye off the scope, he simply replies, “They have undressed now. If you give me a minute, I can save you a hundred grand.”
Taking it literally
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine’s Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”
With certainty in his voice, the man said, “You’ll know tonight.”
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled – “The meaning of Dreams”.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
It Hurts everywhere
Patient: Doctor, it hurts everywhere.
Doctor: Please sit down. Can you show me where it hurts?
Patient: (pressing his index finger against his head) Here (touching his stomach) Here (poking his other arm) Here (prodding his legs) Here too!
Doctor: (has a good look at the patient) I see your problem. Your body is fine. It is your index finger that is broken
Late for work
Late for work, John was getting berated by his boss.
“What’s your excuse for being an hour late?”, the boss questioned.
John began, “I started off on time, but the roads were so slippery, that for every step I took, I slid two steps back.”
His boss wasn’t convinced, “Really? Then how did you manage to get in to work?”
“I finally gave up and decided to turn back and walk home”, came the prompt reply.
What they teach in college
I was attending a job fair at a 5-star hotel. There were hundreds of students from other colleges. In the men’s restroom, there were two more graduates from other colleges who were finishing up just as I was. The first one walked over to the wash basin and proceeded to thoroughly wash his hands, apply soap and then rinse it off. He then uses a bunch of towels to dry himself. Looking at us, he remarked, “I am from Stanford, they teach us to be meticulous.”.
The second kid near the washbasin, washed his hands, quicker than the first, used just a single paper towel and with a smirk on his face said, “I am from Harvard, they teach us to be efficient”
I could see that the other two were looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I proceeded to the door and half-opening it, looked back and said, “I am from MIT, they teach us not to piss on our hands”
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