Honouring his last wish

Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and comes up with a plan to take some of his wealth with him into the next life. He calls for the three men he trusts most – his lawyer, his doctor and a clergyman.

“I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die”, says Mr Smith. “At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so I can try and take it with me”.

At the funeral, each approaches the coffin and places their envelope inside.

Later, whilst riding in the car to the cemetery, the clergyman says “I have to confess, I only put £20,000 in the coffin. The church needs a new baptistery very badly so I took £10,000 out of the envelope”. The doctor says “Well I didn’t put the full £30,000 in either. I used £20,000 of the money to buy a dialysis machine for the hospital”.

The lawyer then says “I’m ashamed of you both! When I put my envelope in that coffin it held my own personal cheque for the full £30,000!”.

Lost In Seattle

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle Tacoma International airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Death at breakfast

Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?

A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.

That ship is sick

Q: Where does a ship go when it’s sick?

A: To the dock.

Bringing the parrot to line

A man had a foul mouthed parrot as a pet. He tried his best to train it and not embarrass him in front of guests. Even attempts to control the parrot by denying crackers didn’t help. The parrot showered abuse as if it were a pirate. One evening after his date stormed out after some really offensive remarks, he was livid. In a fit of rage, he caught the bird and pushed it into the freezer.

A few minutes later, his anger subsided and he went to fetch his parrot. When the parrot came out, it started apologizing and said that it would be decent and never ever swear again. The man was surprised, “What made you change your mind?”. The parrot replied, “Well, I saw the chicken in the freezer and I knew I didn’t want to end up like that guy”

Can you hear alright?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9}.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I havn’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican Magician told his audience that he would disappear at the count of three

He began counting, “Uno, Dos..”

And he disappeared without a tres

Husbands shopping

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Precious Words

When a fire destroys the barn and the adjacent farmland, two brothers are left to pick up the pieces. The only things that survived were half a dozen cows that ran out during the fire.

The only option is to find a bull stud and build up a dairy farm. While they are searching around, they come across an advertisement. The smarter brother decides to take the train to see the animal and if all goes well, telegram back to the ‘brawny-but-not-brainy’ one to drive the truck to pick up the bull.

Everything is as advertised, but the seller drives a hard bargain. The older brother is left with just one dollar. He goes to the post office to send the telegram as agreed. The attendant at the post office informs him that the rate is a dollar per word for the telegram. He tries to explain his situation, but the attendant is firm.

After much thinking, he sends one word – COMFORTABLE.

The attendant is puzzled. “How will your brother know?”, he asks. Prompt comes the reply, “He isn’t exactly the smartest chap. He reads very slowly – COME-FOR-THE-BULL”

At the doctor’s clinic

(Overheard at the doctor’s clinic)

“Mr. Johnson, we need you to be unconscious for this procedure. Would you like a general anaesthetic or would you prefer to see your medical bill?”

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