Precious Words

When a fire destroys the barn and the adjacent farmland, two brothers are left to pick up the pieces. The only things that survived were half a dozen cows that ran out during the fire.

The only option is to find a bull stud and build up a dairy farm. While they are searching around, they come across an advertisement. The smarter brother decides to take the train to see the animal and if all goes well, telegram back to the ‘brawny-but-not-brainy’ one to drive the truck to pick up the bull.

Everything is as advertised, but the seller drives a hard bargain. The older brother is left with just one dollar. He goes to the post office to send the telegram as agreed. The attendant at the post office informs him that the rate is a dollar per word for the telegram. He tries to explain his situation, but the attendant is firm.

After much thinking, he sends one word – COMFORTABLE.

The attendant is puzzled. “How will your brother know?”, he asks. Prompt comes the reply, “He isn’t exactly the smartest chap. He reads very slowly – COME-FOR-THE-BULL”

A man walks into a clinic

A man walks into a clinic. The receptionist asks him the purpose of his visit. He replies, “I have a problem with my p*nis”. Visibly shocked, she responds in a stern voice, “Sir! This is a public place. There are kids here. Please be discreet and refer to it by another body part name. Can you try answering me once again?”

The man begins, “I have a problem with my ear”. The receptionist is happier now and asks, “What seems to be the problem sir?”

To which he responds, “I can’t pee out of it”

Old Couple Memory

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

Lost In Seattle

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle Tacoma International airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Can you hear alright?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9}.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I havn’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

An Awkward Conversation

I was using the office restroom and I had just sat myself on the WC. Unexpectedly, I heard a cheery, “Hi!” from the next stall. I was a bit startled, but recovered enough to return the greeting.

“How are you?”, the voice continued. “Doing Fine, I guess.”, was all I could manage. “Big plans for the weekend, heh?” came the next question. “Well, I was thinking of going to the movies”, I ventured, when I was interrupted. “Hang on a minute. I am going to put you on hold. The guy in the next stall thinks I am talking to him.”

Husbands shopping

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

New in New York

A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

A cop pulls me over

A cop pulled me over and said, “Papers”

I said, “Scissors.” and drove off. After all, I had won.

After a night of partying with my buddies, we drive our way back home. Sure enough, a cop pulls us over. At the driver’s window he looks at us and says, “How high are you?”

My friend, who was driving, responds, “No officer, it is ‘Hi!, How are you?'”

After I pulled over to the kerb, the officer walks up to my window and says, “Any drugs, alcohol?”

I tell him, “No thanks officer, I’ve got everything.

While speeding down the highway, a cop drives up to me and says, “Pullover”

“No, it is a cardigan,” I reply, “but thanks for noticing.”

Can I get the medical term please?

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English, what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

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