Why I fired my secretary

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t utter a word. I was not expecting much, but for everyone to ignore the date, I just couldn’t take it. As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy Birthday, Boss!”. I was elated. She asked me out for lunch.

As we sat having food, she suggested, “Let’s have some wine. After all it is your birthday.”. I didn’t say no. We were ready to leave and she said, with a twinkle in her eye, “Boss! Let’s go over to my place”. We went in and she said, “Would you mind if I went into the bedroom for a minute?”. “Okay”, I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, my parents and my colleagues, all yelling “Surprise!”. And there I was on the couch.. naked.

Dear Algebra

Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find out your X. She is not coming back, you need to accept that. Don’t ask us Y.

Friends – Men vs Women

The wife is late one day home and her husband calls her to find out. She says that she is with her friend. The husband decides to call her friends to confirm. All of them reply that they haven’t seen her the whole day.

The husband is late home another day and when his wife calls him he says that he is with his friend. The wife calls his friends to check on his story. Four of them vouch that her husband is with them right now.

One common brain

(During an argument) Wife: “It is as though all you men have just one brain”

Husband: (Just looks on)

Wife: “Don’t just sit there staring at me. Aren’t you going to say something?”

Husband: “Hold on. It is not my turn with the brain yet”

Death at breakfast

Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?

A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.

Baking cookies

Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.

“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”

Food After-effects

A doctor tells a group of patients, “The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” An old man raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake.”

Painless delivery

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine and asked if they’d like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman’s pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep .

Can you hear alright?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100{4b45bc04bb660cde18f523fa81e295e401571e0643dda7ed1738d6f39e7a62d9}.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I havn’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Old Couple Memory

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

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